Great gratitude

Thank you.

I've been overwhelmed this week by your emails and your comments. Your encouraging words have been such a comfort to me.

I remember when I wrote my first blog entry nearly two and a half years ago. It was such a scary thing--to share my story and my deepest fears and shame with strangers. But your support has kept me going, even when I wanted to quit.

I've wanted to quit a lot the past couple of weeks. Without going into the details of how I'm dealing with things, I've had good days and bad ones, but food-wise? Mostly bad. Still, I think because I'm aware of what I'm doing, and, more importantly, WHY I'm doing it, I'll be more determined than ever to get back on track.

I've been looking over my weight loss for the past year and have noticed how much I've slacked--my weight hasn't changed that much since last summer. I wanted 2012 to be the year I finally reach my ultimate goals. I still think that's possible. I have to believe that. And I can't let anyone get in the way of what I want.

I need to challenge myself. I need to focus. And more that anything, I need to believe in myself. I think I lost that somewhere along the way. Right now, I need to remember that I'm really worth this.

In the meantime, though, I have a lot of emails to answer. If you're new to "Erika is Losing it," welcome! I encourage you to read some of my older entries. I always appreciate your comments and your emails.

I'm not really sure what I'd do without you guys--despite having never met most of you. Thanks for inspiring me.

A little broken

I got a text from a friend last night.

"You haven't blogged since the 12th--what's up?"

There are a few answers to that question. But the most appropriate is the title of this entry. I'm just a little broken.

So, true honesty here. Last time I talked about being back on track. How I had attacked my Ronald weekend with gusto, despite my sad heart.

I avoided the cake. I ate so well. I was not going to let anything derail me. And then for a while, I didn't feel like eating at all.

Fast forward to this past weekend. All I wanted to do was stay in bed. And eat.

It wasn't pretty. It involved tears. Chips. Sour cream. Even Twinkies.

I'm not proud. But food is still where I turn when I am lost in my own emotions. I'm trying very hard to pull myself out of my darkness. This morning I dutifully made my spinach smoothie (this week involved one Chick-Fil-A breakfast morning and one McDonald's Egg McMuffin morning), which made me feel a little better.

This weekend I have plans with friends. More than that, I have plans to be good to myself. To grocery shop. Plan some meals. And stop beating myself up.

I hate that food is still such a part of how I deal with things--I started by restricting; I finished by bingeing. I hate that I've come so far, but am still so capable of sliding back.

But at least I came back. Thanks for the text, Dawn.

Back on track--for realz

Last week I told you I was working on a do-over. I tried to convince myself by convincing all of you that that was true.

It turns out it totally was.

This weekend I was at the Ronald. I've often said for a food addict, working at the Ronald McDonald House is like an alcoholic working at a bar. This weekend was no exception. In fact, it was more tempting than ever.

I came armed with my own food, as I always do. Sometimes during my weekends, I totally scrap my own food for whatever deliciousness our meal donors bring. I was concerned about that this weekend, because my food has not been the best since December or so.

And then my weekend turned emotional. I won't go into detail (there is a thing as over-sharing, I've learned), but let's just say you won't be reading any more posts about a boyfriend. All good things come to an end, it seems. Even when one least expects it.

I was pretty down Saturday. And right on cue, a woman came by from Piece of Cake bakery. Apparently they had many orders that were not picked up, so she graciously brought cakes to the Ronald for our families to enjoy. Cupcakes. More than 60 (!!!) huge individual slices of cake. Beautiful chocolate, red velvet and carrot cakes. Cake was everywhere.

Then Saturday night, our meal donors brought mashed potatoes (it's like the weekend was just designed to tempt my sad, binge-eater self, you know?). I ate with the families, but controlled my portions. I tracked my food all weekend and stayed on plan. Even avoided all that cake.

I stepped on the scale this morning and was pleasantly surprised by the results. I may be down, but I'm in control. That's good, because boy, do I need a dash of empowerment right now.

Test tubes and Bunsen burners

So. I've been experimenting. New foods. New ways to work out. Just trying to get back on track.

Saturday, I spent the day at the Silver Comet Trail. Despite the fact that I live less than five miles from the beginning of the trail, I had never been. I'm currently participating in a Children's steps challenge, so I thought I'd get in some extra during the weekend.

Though I underestimated how cold it was, I enjoyed myself. I walked about four miles total and felt good about it the rest of the day. I also was impressed by the number of people who passed me riding bikes. I haven't been on a bike that moves from the floor since I was about 17. I might try renting one to see if the old adage about "just like riding a bike" is true. Any advice from those of you into cycling?

Food-wise, I've also been trying new things. I've been reading a lot lately about Green Monsters--smoothies that incorporate spinach. People swear that you can't! taste! the! spinach! at! ALL! I was skeptical to say the least. I started out with a fairly easy recipe: one frozen banana, a cup of vanilla almond milk and a couple handfuls of spinach--into the blender.

Here's how it turned out:

Pretty, no?

Of course, the real test was the taste test. Guess what? You can't! taste! the! spinach! at! ALL! It's true. I kind of wanted mine to be a bit sweeter, though, so I might experiment with adding some additional fruit. I felt super healthy drinking it this morning and am going to keep it up the next few days. If anyone has any other good smoothie ideas, send them my way.

Later, I had a new snack. Grape tomatoes and cucumbers stirred into 1/4 cup of cottage cheese and sprinkled with seasoning salt, regular salt and pepper. Yum.

I promise it tasted better than it looked. Yay for new snacks!

So while I can't officially call these favorites--yet--I am glad to be branching out and trying new things. As always, I welcome your ideas to get me out of my comfort zone.

Happy meal

In February 2010, I wrote my first entry in this blog:

Most people eat food.

Me? I eat my feelings.

It was my first time admitting my food addiction to anyone who wasn’t a licensed therapist. They were bitter, harsh words that hurt my heart a little to write. But they were the impetus that led to changing my life in ways I never thought possible.

Today I wanted to start my entry the same way.

Most people eat food.

Me? I eat my feelings.

Because that statement is still true. In fact, that statement may always be true.

I’ve had a lot of success through this journey toward a better me. I’ve had some moments of weakness, too. I’ve tried to learn from it all.

My latest lessons kind of smacked me in the face. For so long, I blamed my food addiction on my grief over my mother’s death. I blamed it on loneliness. Sadness. Pain.

What I’ve learned, though, is that eating my feelings isn’t limited to just the unhappy ones. Maybe it’s that I never really learned to process my feelings—good, bad or otherwise. I just turned to food. I’m struggling with that now.

Good things are happening (exclamation points added for emphasis):

I’m in a relationship with the sweetest guy who tells me I’m beautiful and appreciates me for who I am!

*Swoon* *Eat* *Kiss* *Eat* *Giggle* *Eat*

My best friend just got engaged!

*Squeal* *Eat* *Plan* *Eat* *Admire bling* *Eat*

I’m finally able to work out again after surgery!

*Cardio* *Eat* *Avoid gym* *Eat* *Sweat* *Eat*

See? Good things. And yet, I’ve been eating. Fast food. Krispy Kremes. Candy. Cheese. It reminds me I am indeed an emotional eater—and those emotions don’t have to be sad ones.

Today, though, I decided to go back to the beginning. Back to when I felt inspired and excited about my journey. I’m determined that 2012 will be the year I reach my ultimate goals. I weighed in today. I knew it would be rough. I’m up 2.4 pounds.

But not for long. This is me. Erika is Losing It 2.0.

Watch me.

Heart

I promised a few details about my belated Valentine's Day. And I try to always keep my promises. So here you go.

It was lovely.

My boyfriend is a busy, full-time single dad, so just getting to spend a day with him is a precious gift in itself. When I got to his house, we headed to Stone Mountain and walked to the top. I haven't been to Stone Mountain in years, and I've never walked up the mountain. Boy was I feeling my recent lack of exercise. If you've never walked up, I highly recommend it, especially on a lovely day like we had Friday. It does get steep at some parts, but it's not too bad. I did need to take one break, though. And I was a sweaty betty by the time I reached the top. Bless J for still liking me despite my sweaty out-of-shapeness.

Sweaty at the top of Stone Mountain

When we got home, he gave me my present--he cooked me a Mexican fiesta, complete with yummy grilled chicken and steak burritos, Mexican beer and home-made margaritas. Plus, he'd set it all up  in the most adorable way.

The ingredients of my yummy gift

 So yeah. Valentine's Day. Not too bad this year. :)

Thursday

I did it. I made it through Cardio Fusion. And I'm alive to tell you all about it.

Cardio Fusion at Children's is usually the hardest class I do. I love pushing myself when I'm ready to give up, and the feeling of pride I get when I'm finished. I had not been to class in two months, and even though I missed it, I was nervous about going.

I tried to take it easy. My whole goal was just to finish class and not quit before it was over. Mission accomplished. I'm not at full power, but I'd say I was giving it a good 65 percent or so. It felt good.

Since my surgery, every new thing I do comes with a bit of trepidation. But when I do something once and realize I'm OK, I'm over the fear. Today's class was no exception. I feel like I'm on my way back to my routine. I'm trying at least.

Here's proof that I went. Sweaty red face and all.
 

I know I said I'd blog every day this week (I'm pushing it to get this one in, as it's technically Friday). But I'm off tomorrow to celebrate Valentine's Day a few days late, so I probably won't post after all. Hey, four out of five isn't bad, right?

Have a great weekend, y'all!