This might be one of the most personal blog entries I've ever written. But here goes.
I've been trying for months now to shake it. To try to pretend it wasn't there. But I am sad. Really, deeply, desperately sad. I thought about not writing about this, because I was just trying to avoid it. But it just keeps rearing its ugly head, that sadness.
There are a few things that are causing my sad face. But when it comes down to it, it all boils down to one word:
Regret.
I used to think that it was detrimental to live one's life with regrets. I still think that's true. At the same time, I can't seem to move past mine right now.
I'm sad and angry and scared and hurt about how much of my life I wasted. And every single time I start to talk about it, think about it or even let it cross my mind, I cry. Big, fat tears of regret (even as I type--if this were a letter written with pen and paper, my words would be smeared).
I have all these "what if?" thoughts. There's so much I want in my life. True love. A family. Adventure. Excitement. I can't help thinking that maybe during the almost 10 years I spent numbing myself with food, I missed out on these things. What if I was supposed to meet my soulmate when I was stuffing my face full of frozen pizza? What if the things I want most never happen for me? What if, what if, what if?
I can already envision some of your comments. Rest assured I know what you're thinking. Yes, I'm a different person than I was back then. The person I was wouldn't have been open to love or adventure. I would have ended up with the wrong person, because I was not the person I was meant to be yet, either.
Yes, I've accomplished something. But there's always that voice in the back of my head reminding me what I lost first. With each new relationship disappointment and with every friend I see finding their happily ever after, I become more aware of what I'm missing.
But here's one positive thing I also know. Pain, sadness, fear, anxiety--as much as these feelings hurt, the beauty is that I'm actually feeling them. For years, I numbed myself, never allowing those feelings to really come to the surface. Now, as much as I'd like to numb them, I'm feeling them. I'm working through them. One at a time.
And, I suppose, I really will be OK. For now, though, maybe I just need to grieve a little.
Monday, July 23, 2012
Friday, July 13, 2012
Looking up
Less whining today, for sure!
I've actually followed through (so far) with what I told you I'd do. No Diet Coke. Counting my points. Working hard at boot camp (today, they definitely tried to kill us).
This morning, I stepped on the scale. And it had actually moved! I mean, who'd have thought? You work your program and it actually works.
Duh.
I'm feeling a lot better in general, and very grateful for the constant support of my lovely readers, especially those of you who have reached out to me lately. I'm hanging in there.
Of course, this week was the easy part. This weekend, not so much--I have to tackle the Ronald. I'll let you know next week, with total honesty, how it goes.
A few random things for now:
Have a great weekend, everyone.
I've actually followed through (so far) with what I told you I'd do. No Diet Coke. Counting my points. Working hard at boot camp (today, they definitely tried to kill us).
This morning, I stepped on the scale. And it had actually moved! I mean, who'd have thought? You work your program and it actually works.
Duh.
I'm feeling a lot better in general, and very grateful for the constant support of my lovely readers, especially those of you who have reached out to me lately. I'm hanging in there.
Of course, this week was the easy part. This weekend, not so much--I have to tackle the Ronald. I'll let you know next week, with total honesty, how it goes.
A few random things for now:
- I'm seriously obsessed with the beef and Greek yogurt dish. I make it every week. I've started browning onions with the meat, too. I ditched the pita and now just make a big bowl of yumminess with the meat, sauce, reduced-fat feta, tomatoes and spinach.
- My other obsession lately is red seedless grapes with sugar-free Jell-O. I had forgotten about the awesomeness of this treat until I saw my friend Katherine eating them. This is the simplest sweet goodness you'll ever "make." Wash the grapes, and while they're still a little wet, sprinkle a little bit of sugar-free Jell-O powder over them (I bet these would be fabulous frozen, too). Any Jell-O flavor works, but strawberry is my favorite.
- This is day three without Diet Coke. I miss you, old friend. But we really are better apart than together.
- Last weekend, I went tubing in Helen with my friend Carla. We had a blast. It's been years since I went tubing, and for once, I wasn't concerned that the tube couldn't handle my weight. Though I may have missed the extra padding a bit, when my booty smacked against a few of those rocks. Ouch.
- This morning I checked my ActiPed (a fancy-schmance pedometer for all you non-Children's peeps), and I had more than 7,000 steps before 10 a.m. Yay boot camp!
Have a great weekend, everyone.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Failure is an option?
Today was my first day back to boot camp. Well, technically it was Monday, but I wasn't feeling well and missed day one.
I did...OK today. To be honest, I didn't even lace up my shoes in between my boot camp sessions. I have been slacking. Big time.
In fact, I've been slacking now for a year. And it's time to stop. I'm going to commit myself to this session of boot camp, not just to the exercise part, but the diet part. I'm going to really watch what I eat. Count my Weight Watchers points. Give up Diet Coke (seriously).
I'm kind of over being in this rut. It's summer. Last summer, I weighed the same as I do now. Yet, I felt a little happier. I was moving forward. Now I'm just feeling down and defeated. And that's not how I want to continue my life. I mean, y'all are tired of hearing me whine, no?
I can blame things on my dating life that's not going the way I want. I can blame it on my surgery. The truth, though, is that I am the one who needs to accept responsibility.
So for now, I'm dedicating myself to this next four weeks. Clean living, a more positive outlook. I'm going to try. But I'm kind of sick of failing. So I won't.
At least I hope.
I did...OK today. To be honest, I didn't even lace up my shoes in between my boot camp sessions. I have been slacking. Big time.
In fact, I've been slacking now for a year. And it's time to stop. I'm going to commit myself to this session of boot camp, not just to the exercise part, but the diet part. I'm going to really watch what I eat. Count my Weight Watchers points. Give up Diet Coke (seriously).
I'm kind of over being in this rut. It's summer. Last summer, I weighed the same as I do now. Yet, I felt a little happier. I was moving forward. Now I'm just feeling down and defeated. And that's not how I want to continue my life. I mean, y'all are tired of hearing me whine, no?
I can blame things on my dating life that's not going the way I want. I can blame it on my surgery. The truth, though, is that I am the one who needs to accept responsibility.
So for now, I'm dedicating myself to this next four weeks. Clean living, a more positive outlook. I'm going to try. But I'm kind of sick of failing. So I won't.
At least I hope.
Friday, June 29, 2012
Four weeks in the books
Hi all. As is often the case, I must start this entry with an apology. I did promise to blog twice a week, and I indeed hope to follow through with that promise. But I started a new job at Children's this week (more about that next week), and had some complications with my browser blocking Blogger. All is fixed now, and I'm here to tell you something super exciting (multiple-exclamation-point exciting, even)!
Boot camp is done!!!!
Yes, there has been a major victory in my war of remembering I'm no longer the girl I used to be. That girl quit boot camp after less than two weeks. This girl? Finished it, with minimal (oh, who am I kidding?) whining.
Four weeks of 5 a.m. wake-up calls, thousands of push-ups, more miles than I've ever run in my life, and too many bear crawls, crunches and squats to count have led me to today--a sense of pride I haven't felt in a long time.
Here's a little story I don't think I told you. When I was in high school and we had to take the required P.E. class, I became a rebel. Now, mind you, I'm not really the rebellious type. In fact, I'm kind of a rule follower. I use crosswalks. I never skipped school. I only snuck out of my house once as a teenager. I floss. I've never even had a speeding ticket.
But as a junior in high school, I started an anti-running rebellion. We had to run a mile, of course, and we had to do it in an allotted time to pass the class. I decided to make a big deal about the fact that not everyone is supposed to be a runner, and they shouldn't make us do it, and I was going to write to the principal, the school board and the U.S. Secretary of Education.
See, the truth is that I was afraid. Afraid to fail. Afraid to even try. Afraid to show my weakness. So I walked around that track (slowly). And I gave my poor teacher (Sorry, Coach Cagle) a heck of a time about it.
That fear is why I quit boot camp all those years ago, too. And I was determined not to let it hold me back again. Though I wrote an earlier blog about being disappointed by the scale, I soon realized this experience was about SO much more than that. This was something I had to prove to myself. I had to prove I could try. Even if I wasn't the best or the fastest, I succeeded and won just by making it through.
Oh, and did I mention I signed up for another month? Yeah. Old Erika who?
Today we did our post-test. I was pleasantly surprised to see how much I improved just in four weeks. Here's the comparison:
June 5, 2012
Mile run: 12:54
June 29, 2012
Boot camp is done!!!!
Yes, there has been a major victory in my war of remembering I'm no longer the girl I used to be. That girl quit boot camp after less than two weeks. This girl? Finished it, with minimal (oh, who am I kidding?) whining.
Four weeks of 5 a.m. wake-up calls, thousands of push-ups, more miles than I've ever run in my life, and too many bear crawls, crunches and squats to count have led me to today--a sense of pride I haven't felt in a long time.
Here's a little story I don't think I told you. When I was in high school and we had to take the required P.E. class, I became a rebel. Now, mind you, I'm not really the rebellious type. In fact, I'm kind of a rule follower. I use crosswalks. I never skipped school. I only snuck out of my house once as a teenager. I floss. I've never even had a speeding ticket.
But as a junior in high school, I started an anti-running rebellion. We had to run a mile, of course, and we had to do it in an allotted time to pass the class. I decided to make a big deal about the fact that not everyone is supposed to be a runner, and they shouldn't make us do it, and I was going to write to the principal, the school board and the U.S. Secretary of Education.
See, the truth is that I was afraid. Afraid to fail. Afraid to even try. Afraid to show my weakness. So I walked around that track (slowly). And I gave my poor teacher (Sorry, Coach Cagle) a heck of a time about it.
That fear is why I quit boot camp all those years ago, too. And I was determined not to let it hold me back again. Though I wrote an earlier blog about being disappointed by the scale, I soon realized this experience was about SO much more than that. This was something I had to prove to myself. I had to prove I could try. Even if I wasn't the best or the fastest, I succeeded and won just by making it through.
Oh, and did I mention I signed up for another month? Yeah. Old Erika who?
Today we did our post-test. I was pleasantly surprised to see how much I improved just in four weeks. Here's the comparison:
June 5, 2012
Mile run: 12:54
Assisted push-ups (on my knees. I didn't even try for the regular ones): 33
Tricep dips: 15 regular (legs straight out) and 20 assisted (legs bent)
Sit-ups: 22
Bows and toes (holding a plank position): 47 seconds
June 29, 2012
Mile run: 11: 42
Regular push-ups: 10
Regular push-ups: 10
Assisted push-ups (on my knees): 38
Tricep dips: 25 regular (legs straight out) and 29 assisted (legs bent)
Sit-ups: 31
Bows and toes (holding a plank position): 1:52
And a couple of pictures from this morning:
 |
| With Paul, my best friend's fiance and boot camp buddy. |
 |
| With Ryan Byers, our awesome instructor from Step it up Fitness. Every Friday he tells us "Week one (or two, or three, etc.) is 'in the books.'" My entry title is a shout-out to him. Thanks for your encouragement, Ryan! |
Friday, June 15, 2012
June favorites
It's time for another favorites entry. People seem to enjoy these more than anything I post, so I'll try to be more diligent about writing them once a month. I don't always have new favorites (this one even has a repeat or two), but I'll try to keep a list. As always, make sure you fill me in on your current faves.
First, some food stuff:
Hearts of palm
Speaking of which...
Reduced fat feta
This might be my favorite favorite right now. A little feta goes a long way. I always put it on my salads for a kick of flavor. I can't get enough of it.
Hebrew National 97 percent fat-free hot dogs
This my repeat. I love these things. And at just one point per dog? They're a perfect (and very tasty) snack.
A couple of nonfood things:
Apple cider vinegar
Once upon a time, I introduced some of you to my beloved coconut oil. I am still using it religiously. But now I've started using apple cider vinegar on my face, too. I use it just like a toner and it's really helped my skin stay clear. You just have to get past the strong odor, but it's worth it.
Boot camp
If I had a love/hate category, this would be at the top of the list. You've already read a lot about my first couple of weeks, so I won't repeat myself. But today, having finished my second week (halfway through!), I feel a little invincible. Strong. Determined. Accomplished. And that's an amazing feeling to have. There have been some mixed comments in my entries about boot camp. I'm grateful that you are reading and taking the time to post thoughtful responses. I always welcome your opinions.
So there you have it. My favorites of the moments. Also? Two blog entries this week, as promised. Ta-da! Make sure to tell me what you're loving right now.
First, some food stuff:
Hearts of palm
I wasn't very familiar with hearts of palm. Maybe I tried them in a salad once or twice, but I sure wasn't aware how to buy them or even eat them. During Memorial Day, I went to Jacksonville to see a few of my closest friends. We spent the day at the beach and had late dinner plans, but were starving. We didn't want to eat a big lunch, so my lovely friend Leigh laid out a virtual smorgasbord of yumminess. "Let's eat like we're European!" she said. (I love her) We had olives, hummus, goat cheese, avocados and hearts of palm. I've been buying them ever since. I like the whole ones, but I think they're harder to find. So I buy cans of the sliced ones and dip them into hummus as a snack. Yum. They remind me of artichoke hearts in consistency and taste. So good.
Starbucks
I'm not a coffee drinker. Y'all know how I feel about Diet Coke. But my friend Tina got me hooked on skinny cinnamon dolce lattes. I don't drink them every day, but it's nice to have a little treat. For my fellow Weight Watchers, a grande is just three points.
A new recipe from Weight Watchers
One of the great things about WW is being able to use the e-tools on my iPhone. I can track my points and my activity, and check out new recipes. This week, I made this five-point one:
Quick beef with Greek yogurt sauce
 |
| Photo courtesy of weightwatchers.com |
| 1 pound(s) uncooked 93% lean ground beef | |
| 2 1/4 tsp minced garlic | |
| 1 1/4 tsp ground cumin | |
| 3/4 tsp table salt, divided | |
| 1/4 tsp black pepper, freshly ground, divided | |
| 1 cup(s) plain low fat Greek yogurt | |
| 1/2 cup(s) English cucumber(s), diced | |
| 2 Tbsp mint leaves, fresh, chopped |
Instructions
- Heat a large nonstick skillet over medium-high heat. Add beef,
garlic, cumin, 1/2 teaspoon salt and 1/8 teaspoon pepper; cook, stirring
often, until browned, about 3 minutes.
- Meanwhile, in a small bowl, stir together yogurt, cucumber, remaining 1/4 teaspoon salt and remaining 1/8 teaspoon pepper.
- Serve beef topped with yogurt sauce and sprinkled with mint. Yields about 1 cup beef and 1/4 cup yogurt sauce per serving.
Speaking of which...
Reduced fat feta
This might be my favorite favorite right now. A little feta goes a long way. I always put it on my salads for a kick of flavor. I can't get enough of it.
Hebrew National 97 percent fat-free hot dogs
This my repeat. I love these things. And at just one point per dog? They're a perfect (and very tasty) snack.
A couple of nonfood things:
Apple cider vinegar
Once upon a time, I introduced some of you to my beloved coconut oil. I am still using it religiously. But now I've started using apple cider vinegar on my face, too. I use it just like a toner and it's really helped my skin stay clear. You just have to get past the strong odor, but it's worth it.
Boot camp
If I had a love/hate category, this would be at the top of the list. You've already read a lot about my first couple of weeks, so I won't repeat myself. But today, having finished my second week (halfway through!), I feel a little invincible. Strong. Determined. Accomplished. And that's an amazing feeling to have. There have been some mixed comments in my entries about boot camp. I'm grateful that you are reading and taking the time to post thoughtful responses. I always welcome your opinions.
So there you have it. My favorites of the moments. Also? Two blog entries this week, as promised. Ta-da! Make sure to tell me what you're loving right now.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Scale of tears
I should have listened to him.
On our first day of boot camp, our instructor spoke loud and clear: "Ladies, you might want to stay off the scale. You'll probably gain. You're turning your soft tissue into muscle. Your pants will feel looser, but the scale might not reflect that."
I should have paid more attention to him.
Instead, I stood on the scale this morning at Weight Watchers and promptly burst into tears when I found out I had gained .8 pounds.
No, .8 isn't a lot. But guess what? Last week I was up .8, too. I'm sore and tired and have worked SO hard, that to see that scale go up felt like a major defeat.
Maybe I am gaining muscle. Sometimes after a tough workout, my body really retains water, too. I don't know. But I know it was discouraging, despite the logical part of me who gets it.
I've been struggling a lot with discouragement lately, just in my life in general. Bless my friends who have been patient enough with me to deal with my sudden bursts of tears and general moodiness. I am trying so hard not to let my sadness and loneliness affect my food. For the most part, I'm doing OK. But I'm also wondering when the heck I'm just going to snap out of it. I'm trying.
I'm hoping eventually this hard work will pay off. For now, I'm going to keep sprinting and bear crawling and jumping up stadium stairs and crunching. I'm doing some mental exercises for my disappointed, discouraged heart, too.
I just wish I could be the positive person I think I used to be. It feels like it's been so long since I've seen her.
On our first day of boot camp, our instructor spoke loud and clear: "Ladies, you might want to stay off the scale. You'll probably gain. You're turning your soft tissue into muscle. Your pants will feel looser, but the scale might not reflect that."
I should have paid more attention to him.
Instead, I stood on the scale this morning at Weight Watchers and promptly burst into tears when I found out I had gained .8 pounds.
No, .8 isn't a lot. But guess what? Last week I was up .8, too. I'm sore and tired and have worked SO hard, that to see that scale go up felt like a major defeat.
Maybe I am gaining muscle. Sometimes after a tough workout, my body really retains water, too. I don't know. But I know it was discouraging, despite the logical part of me who gets it.
I've been struggling a lot with discouragement lately, just in my life in general. Bless my friends who have been patient enough with me to deal with my sudden bursts of tears and general moodiness. I am trying so hard not to let my sadness and loneliness affect my food. For the most part, I'm doing OK. But I'm also wondering when the heck I'm just going to snap out of it. I'm trying.
I'm hoping eventually this hard work will pay off. For now, I'm going to keep sprinting and bear crawling and jumping up stadium stairs and crunching. I'm doing some mental exercises for my disappointed, discouraged heart, too.
I just wish I could be the positive person I think I used to be. It feels like it's been so long since I've seen her.
Start changing your life today
Just a quick blog for those of you who work at the Children's Office Park. Today, from 11:30 a.m. to noon in Classroom 2 of the Learning Services Building, is our Weight Watchers Open House.
If you've even thought about joining, just come and listen. You don't have to make any decisions today, but at least make a commitment to get some information. When I walked into my first Weight Watchers meeting at Children's more than two years ago, I felt pretty defeated. Definitely hopeless. Today, I'm 130 pounds lighter and working my way toward my ultimate goal. It may seem overwhelming now, but with support from your fellow members and the accountability of the program and our AMAZING leader, Dee (seriously, ask anyone. She's the best.), you really can change your life. I promise.
Hope to see you guys there!
If you've even thought about joining, just come and listen. You don't have to make any decisions today, but at least make a commitment to get some information. When I walked into my first Weight Watchers meeting at Children's more than two years ago, I felt pretty defeated. Definitely hopeless. Today, I'm 130 pounds lighter and working my way toward my ultimate goal. It may seem overwhelming now, but with support from your fellow members and the accountability of the program and our AMAZING leader, Dee (seriously, ask anyone. She's the best.), you really can change your life. I promise.
Hope to see you guys there!
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