Life is perfect. No it's not.

So, my friend LaTonia sent me a funny picture today:

It's been a long time since something so funny summed up my not-so-funny feelings all at once.

I recently told someone that it seems like so many people's lives have become Christmas card letters. You know how those letters are only filled with the good things? Life is amazing and perfect and beautiful and wonderful and golly gee don't you wish you were me? In my Facebook world, three friends announced pregnancies last week, two more got engaged, several more have pictures of new boyfriends or girlfriends.

I wanted to post a picture of all the sweets I did NOT avoid at the Ronald McDonald House this weekend. My status might say something like, "Congrats on your fantastic lives! I ate my weight in cookies at the Ronald this weekend. Don't be jealous!"

Boy, bitterness is not a good color for me, is it? I think it kind of washes me out. Don't get me wrong. I'm happy for my friends. And this is just my way of making things all about me (ask anyone, I'm super good at that). Other people's happiness--or lack thereof--does not determine my own.

So, I'm on a mission to find it. To work toward my own happiness. I know it's out there. I'm ready to hunt it down, kill it and eat it for dinner.

It would be much better for me than those cookies.

No one likes a quitter

When I first started Weight Watchers, our leader, Dee, put a sticker on the front of my book. It has her name, the location of our meeting and five really important words that I seem to forget sometimes:

Quitting is not an option.

I know some of you have been with me a long time. You've read my ups and downs. You've read my self-pitying, my self-loathing. You've read some self-congratulating, too.You've even read about how much I've wanted to quit. But I haven't.

That's because those five words--quitting is not an option--actually mean something to me this time around. But during my down times, where I feel like I've been for a few months now, quitting sometimes feels like the only option.

So today I wanted to talk about why it's not an option. I need to remember these reasons when I just feel like giving up. This journey is pretty freaking tough. There are hills and valleys, twists and turns. Sometimes I feel defeated. But I need to remember the times of triumph too.


Quitting is not an option, why?

• I've seen that I can indeed accomplish great things.
• I want to be fully free from the chains of food.
• I need to believe that there are great things ahead for me.
• I can never go back to the person I was.
• I owe it to not only myself, but to everyone (and there are a LOT of you) who has supported me along the way.
• I want to be the person I was created to be--full of love, happiness, joy--not held down by despair.
• Because I have shared my story with so many people, I have erased the shame that has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember.
• There are superficial reasons--I like shopping in regular stores, not worrying if a seat belt will fit, not worrying if I'm the fattest person in the room (OK, I still do that).
• I want to be strong and powerful and beautiful.
• Because...it just isn't.

There may be more, but today, quite honestly, I'm struggling a bit to remember them. I know I've been pretty down for a while. I'm not going to apologize for that (mostly because you guys yell at me when I do). Thanks to those of you who always remind me that I've got this. What I realize now, is that whether I reach my goals soon, or am still trying when I'm100 years old, the important thing is that I'm not giving up. Ever.

So, nope. Quitting will never be an option for me.

Remind me of that when I start whining again, won't you?

And tell me...what are reasons quitting isn't an option for you, either?

This and that

*peeks head around corner*

Hi, everyone. I'm here. I know I've been quiet the past few weeks (and how many blog entries do I start out with that sentence?). I'm doing OK. I'm admittedly battling a few inner (and outer, it seems) demons, but I'm hanging in there. And lately I just haven't felt much like talking about it.

I thought I'd do a little odds and ends post today, including a few new favorites.

Stuff:

• Finished my second month of boot camp. Gave up Diet Coke (see bullet three). Watched my food. Did well.
• Lost 2.8 at WW this week. A loss, finally.
• Back on the sauce. Oh, Diet Coke, you're like the ex-boyfriend I can't quit.
• Have been in a bit of a food rut the past couple of weeks. I did super-well counting my points at least last month. But I'm in a place where I'm kind of sick of food. Nothing sounds good to me. Please send me some new, easy ideas. Feeling a big desperate. Avocado always preferred.
• While I was doing boot camp, I canceled my gym membership to my beloved Ladies Workout Express. I'm trying to pare down my expenses a bit, and I have a gym in my apartment complex and the classes here at Children's I can do. Still, it will be a little tricky to stay motivated without the structure of boot camp. And y'all know I need me some structure. I'll keep you posted on my workout goals (um, as soon as I come up with some).

A few favorites:

Cherries! So, for years and years, I thought cherries were just bright red things that came in a jar (and went into a cocktail). But this summer, I've discovered the candy-sweet yumminess of dark red fresh cherries. I've been eating them like crazy. Bonus? Spitting seeds is fun!

Salmon Magic: This is yet another recommendation from my friend Laura (the mashed cauliflowtatoes goddess, herself). She told me about this seasoning, which, at least in my grocery store, is found near the dry seasonings and spices. And it's fantastic. If you look up a review of it, you can see people are obsessed with it. I put it on salmon and was so sad when I took my last bite. It is indeed magic, and would be great on other kinds of fish, chicken and probably even veggies. I'm in love with Chef Paul and his jaunty little cap.

Smart Ones Mini Cheeseburgers: I have probably talked about these before, but I love these little Smart Ones cheeseburgers. Be forewarned. These are tiny, y'all. They're more of a slider, I'd say. And they're 5 PointsPlus, which is kind of a lot for something so small. Still, I get major burger cravings, and these help to curb them. A small confession: sometimes I eat one for breakfast. Yeah, I said it.

Laughing Cow Cinnamon Cream Cream Cheese Spread
This stuff is yummy. But hard to find. I can only find it at Walmart, though I daresay it's worth the trip. I've put it on a sandwich thin, and an apple. It's got just a hint of cinnamon, making a yummy salty/sweet combo. Good stuff.










So there. You can stop bugging me about not writing now, k? Thanks for being worried about me. I'll post more next week. Until then, please do send your food ideas. I'm counting on y'all to break me from my boring rut.

Feelings are hard

This might be one of the most personal blog entries I've ever written. But here goes.

I've been trying for months now to shake it. To try to pretend it wasn't there. But I am sad. Really, deeply, desperately sad. I thought about not writing about this, because I was just trying to avoid it. But it just keeps rearing its ugly head, that sadness.

There are a few things that are causing my sad face. But when it comes down to it, it all boils down to one word:

Regret.

I used to think that it was detrimental to live one's life with regrets. I still think that's true. At the same time, I can't seem to move past mine right now.

I'm sad and angry and scared and hurt about how much of my life I wasted. And every single time I start to talk about it, think about it or even let it cross my mind, I cry. Big, fat tears of regret (even as I type--if this were a letter written with pen and paper, my words would be smeared).

I have all these "what if?" thoughts. There's so much I want in my life. True love. A family. Adventure. Excitement. I can't help thinking that maybe during the almost 10 years I spent numbing myself with food, I missed out on these things. What if I was supposed to meet my soulmate when I was stuffing my face full of frozen pizza? What if the things I want most never happen for me? What if, what if, what if?

I can already envision some of your comments. Rest assured I know what you're thinking. Yes, I'm a different person than I was back then. The person I was wouldn't have been open to love or adventure. I would have ended up with the wrong person, because I was not the person I was meant to be yet, either.

Yes, I've accomplished something. But there's always that voice in the back of my head reminding me what I lost first. With each new relationship disappointment and with every friend I see finding their happily ever after, I become more aware of what I'm missing.

But here's one positive thing I also know. Pain, sadness, fear, anxiety--as much as these feelings hurt, the beauty is that I'm actually feeling them. For years, I numbed myself, never allowing those feelings to really come to the surface. Now, as much as I'd like to numb them, I'm feeling them. I'm working through them. One at a time.

And, I suppose, I really will be OK. For now, though, maybe I just need to grieve a little.

Looking up

Less whining today, for sure!

I've actually followed through (so far) with what I told you I'd do. No Diet Coke. Counting my points. Working hard at boot camp (today, they definitely tried to kill us).

This morning, I stepped on the scale. And it had actually moved! I mean, who'd have thought? You work your program and it actually works.

Duh.

I'm feeling a lot better in general, and very grateful for the constant support of my lovely readers, especially those of you who have reached out to me lately. I'm hanging in there.

Of course, this week was the easy part. This weekend, not so much--I have to tackle the Ronald. I'll let you know next week, with total honesty, how it goes.

A few random things for now:

• I'm seriously obsessed with the beef and Greek yogurt dish. I make it every week. I've started browning onions with the meat, too. I ditched the pita and now just make a big bowl of yumminess with the meat, sauce, reduced-fat feta, tomatoes and spinach.

• My other obsession lately is red seedless grapes with sugar-free Jell-O. I had forgotten about the awesomeness of this treat until I saw my friend Katherine eating them. This is the simplest sweet goodness you'll ever "make." Wash the grapes, and while they're still a little wet, sprinkle a little bit of sugar-free Jell-O powder over them (I bet these would be fabulous frozen, too). Any Jell-O flavor works, but strawberry is my favorite.

• This is day three without Diet Coke. I miss you, old friend. But we really are better apart than together.

• Last weekend, I went tubing in Helen with my friend Carla. We had a blast. It's been years since I went tubing, and for once, I wasn't concerned that the tube couldn't handle my weight. Though I may have missed the extra padding a bit, when my booty smacked against a few of those rocks. Ouch.

• This morning I checked my ActiPed (a fancy-schmance pedometer for all you non-Children's peeps), and I had more than 7,000 steps before 10 a.m. Yay boot camp! 

Have a great weekend, everyone.

Failure is an option?

Today was my first day back to boot camp. Well, technically it was Monday, but I wasn't feeling well and missed day one.

I did...OK today. To be honest, I didn't even lace up my shoes in between my boot camp sessions. I have been slacking. Big time.

In fact, I've been slacking now for a year. And it's time to stop. I'm going to commit myself to this session of boot camp, not just to the exercise part, but the diet part. I'm going to really watch what I eat. Count my Weight Watchers points. Give up Diet Coke (seriously).

I'm kind of over being in this rut. It's summer. Last summer, I weighed the same as I do now. Yet, I felt a little happier. I was moving forward. Now I'm just feeling down and defeated. And that's not how I want to continue my life. I mean, y'all are tired of hearing me whine, no?

I can blame things on my dating life that's not going the way I want. I can blame it on my surgery. The truth, though, is that I am the one who needs to accept responsibility.

So for now, I'm dedicating myself to this next four weeks. Clean living, a more positive outlook. I'm going to try. But I'm kind of sick of failing. So I won't.

At least I hope.

Four weeks in the books

Hi all. As is often the case, I must start this entry with an apology. I did promise to blog twice a week, and I indeed hope to follow through with that promise. But I started a new job at Children's this week (more about that next week), and had some complications with my browser blocking Blogger. All is fixed now, and I'm here to tell you something super exciting (multiple-exclamation-point exciting, even)!

Boot camp is done!!!!

Yes, there has been a major victory in my war of remembering I'm no longer the girl I used to be. That girl quit boot camp after less than two weeks. This girl? Finished it, with minimal (oh, who am I kidding?) whining.

Four weeks of 5 a.m. wake-up calls, thousands of push-ups, more miles than I've ever run in my life, and too many bear crawls, crunches and squats to count have led me to today--a sense of pride I haven't felt in a long time.

Here's a little story I don't think I told you. When I was in high school and we had to take the required P.E. class, I became a rebel. Now, mind you, I'm not really the rebellious type. In fact, I'm kind of a rule follower. I use crosswalks. I never skipped school. I only snuck out of my house once as a teenager. I floss. I've never even had a speeding ticket.

But as a junior in high school, I started an anti-running rebellion. We had to run a mile, of course, and we had to do it in an allotted time to pass the class. I decided to make a big deal about the fact that not everyone is supposed to be a runner, and they shouldn't make us do it, and I was going to write to the principal, the school board and the U.S. Secretary of Education.

See, the truth is that I was afraid. Afraid to fail. Afraid to even try. Afraid to show my weakness. So I walked around that track (slowly). And I gave my poor teacher (Sorry, Coach Cagle) a heck of a time about it.

That fear is why I quit boot camp all those years ago, too. And I was determined not to let it hold me back again. Though I wrote an earlier blog about being disappointed by the scale, I soon realized this experience was about SO much more than that. This was something I had to prove to myself. I had to prove I could try. Even if I wasn't the best or the fastest, I succeeded and won just by making it through.

Oh, and did I mention I signed up for another month? Yeah. Old Erika who?

Today we did our post-test. I was pleasantly surprised to see how much I improved just in four weeks. Here's the comparison:

June 5, 2012

Mile run: 12:54

Assisted push-ups (on my knees. I didn't even try for the regular ones): 33

Tricep dips: 15 regular (legs straight out) and 20 assisted (legs bent)

Sit-ups: 22

Bows and toes (holding a plank position): 47 seconds

June 29, 2012

Mile run: 11: 42
Regular push-ups: 10

Assisted push-ups (on my knees): 38

Tricep dips: 25 regular (legs straight out) and 29 assisted (legs bent)

Sit-ups: 31

Bows and toes (holding a plank position): 1:52

And a couple of pictures from this morning:

With Paul, my best friend's fiance and boot camp buddy.

 

With Ryan Byers, our awesome instructor from Step it up Fitness. Every Friday he tells us "Week one (or two, or three, etc.) is 'in the books.'" My entry title is a shout-out to him. Thanks for your encouragement, Ryan!