But I don't want to be insignificant

It’s been a long time. A long time for everything. Since I wrote an entry. Since I started this blog. Since I started this journey. Since I felt focused. Motivated.

I’ve made a lot of excuses. I started dating. I ate. I felt vulnerable. I ate. My dad died. I ate. I got married. I ate. I couldn’t get pregnant. I ate.

And ate.

And ate.

At my lowest, I lost 130 pounds. Now I’m hovering around 55 pounds lost. But let’s be real. That’s about 75 pounds gained.

I’ve not blogged in a long time. Part of it was depression. But a bigger part of it was shame. Failure is a tough thing when you’ve been called an inspiration. I was always uncomfortable with that word—but I can admit that I was flattered by it, too. So it hurt to face you guys. It has hurt to face a lot of people. I still meet people who say “Oh, you used to write a blog!” Yes, I used to. Yes, I sort of still do. Yes, I used to be that girl.

But in my heart, I know “that girl” is still me—somewhere deep inside. And I think I’ve finally started to uncover her once again.

I had a moment about a month ago. I was in a workout class (yep, I still actually do those) and had, what seems, a million overwhelming feelings. I felt worthless. Useless. Insignificant. Unhealthy. Do I matter at work? Do I matter in this world that feels like it’s falling apart? Do I matter if I can’t have a baby and can’t be a mother (please note: this is my personal feeling about my own life—not a judgment at ALL about women who choose not to have children)? Do I matter when I’m back to being that obese girl staring back at me in the gym mirror?

And then I felt it—an epiphany.

What is the one thing I could control--of all those things that were figuratively (and literally) weighing on me?

My health.

So I have. I started that next morning. I’ve gone back to Weight Watchers in a near-obsessive fashion. I’m tracking my points like a boss. I’m clinging to that feeling of control that I’d lost for so long. I’m more focused than I’ve been maybe since the early days of my blog. I’m down 10 pounds and I have no intention of stopping.

I know it may be hard for y’all to trust that—to trust me. I’ve claimed new beginnings a hundred times. But in my heart of hearts, I feel like this is my last chance. And I just can’t squander that again.

I’m working to create some more content for this site, and I hope you’ll come with me. After all, we need each other, right? 

Much love to you, always. And remember—you are worthy. And so am I.

P.S. Thanks to Counting Crows for this blog's title. 

Here I am now

An update.

I don’t know where to begin, so I thought I’d give you an update in bulleted form. Here goes: 

• I’m doing OK. Life is moving along just fine. And I even got to go on vacation.

  

  Sunset on the beach. Yay vacation!

• My new role at work is really busy. I love being in the hospital every day and feeling like I’m making a difference.

• My food has been---eh. I’m trying. I haven’t given up (you know that will never happen). But I’ve let a lot of other life things get in the way. I’m not happy with that, so I’m actively working to fix it.

• I am not pregnant—but I hope to be. Without going into detail, that has meant some medications and testing that has messed with my hormones, and that’s also affected my food and exercise.

• Even if I get pregnant tomorrow, I am still committed to working toward the healthiest me I can. The definition of what that means may change for a few months.

•  I am actively pursuing my new role as a LaCroix drinker. This is BIG NEWS, friends. Many of you will remember my tawdry, dysfunctionalrelationship with Diet Coke, yes? I haven't had one in years. But unfortunately, real Coke became a terrible substitute for a time. So I’m trying to like LaCroix. It’s happening slowly, but hopefully surely.

• My newest hobby is growing and developing the perfect seasoning on my cast iron skillet.

• My husband has started going to the gym with me. He runs on the track while I’m in class. I love that even though we’re not doing the same thing we’re still there together.

I’ll probably elaborate on a few of those things in the next couple of weeks. I’ve got a long list of new favorites to share, so look for that next Friday.

Thank you for never giving up on me!

Purple Tears

Today is Friday. On Fridays I talk about my favorites.

And Prince was one of my very favorites.

When I heard the news yesterday, I first was in total disbelief. Then I couldn’t stop crying. Isn’t it strange to have such a strong reaction to someone you didn’t know? But my connection to his music, like for many, was an emotional one. And his death has hit me hard.

Just one week ago, I sat in the second row from the back of the Fox Theater for Prince’s Piano and a Microphone show. It was the show I’d waited my entire life to see. My absolute, No. 1, tip-top of my bucket list concert experience. He came out—a silhouetted poof of hair and heels. He sat down at the piano and started to play. And I started to cry.

I was 7 years old when I first heard about Prince. I had a babysitter named Michelle. I wanted to be just like her. She played the flute. She wore shiny lip gloss. And she brought over her 1999 tape. I was instantly transfixed by it—and by “Little Red Corvette,” especially. I had no idea what the words meant (probably for the best as an impressionable kid), but that music—that voice, made me feel things. There was power and magic and wonder in it—and I felt them all.

So last Thursday, Prince came out. He sat down at the piano, tinkled the keys and began to play:

“I guess I should have known, by the way you parked your car sideways that it wouldn’t last…”

I burst into tears. Those tears lasted the entire show. I held my friend LaTonia’s hand. I sang. I danced. I thanked my lucky stars that I was there. It felt like a beautiful gift. I didn’t know how much of a gift it truly was.

LaTonia and me before the show started. 

From that 7-year-old girl singing Prince into her hairbrush, to the college student who dreamed of one day finding someone who felt about me like Prince sang in “The Most Beautiful Girl in the World,” to the 41-year-old who sat mesmerized through his show just last week, Prince has provided the soundtrack of my life. And it’s obvious I’m not alone.

I miss him. I miss my childhood. I miss my parents. I think this loss is hitting me on a deeper level because of others I've experienced. But Prince was a person with a God-given gift. He sang from his soul. He shared his heart--and we all felt it. I’m so grateful that I grew up with his weird, purple, incomparable, beautiful influence. The world will much less...less without him.

It's been so lonely without you here

Like a bird without a song

Nothing can stop these lonely tears from falling

It's over there. No, over THERE.

Look at the sky! It’s a bird! It’s a plane. It’s…my motivation?

Hi. I know it’s been a couple of weeks. Do I need to start every blog post with an apology? No, you know what? I don’t. I deal with enough regret about things as it is. And clearly it’s not helping anything.

So I’m here. Hi.

I have been in the tiniest of funks the past month. I’m not completely off track, but there’s one wonky wheel that keeps getting stuck or wiggling right off. So, as I like to say, my motivation isn’t completely gone. It’ s just over yonder, as we say in the South. I can see it. I just can’t quite reach it. 

I mean, I COULD reach it. If I got off my booty.

So that’s what I’m working on now. Tuesday I weighed in—even that is a good indicator—I went for months and months without weighing in—and I was up a little more than 2 pounds. So I’m still down 11. And I’m trying to see a loss next week to really get me back on track.

So why am I in a funk? I’m not totally sure. My dad’s anniversary is coming up—and that weighs heavily on my mind. My family and I have chosen to celebrate that day in memory of both of my parents with a big party, just like they would have liked it. 

And there are a few other things that are nagging me that I’ll talk about in a future entry. I mean, I’m nothing if not an oversharer, right? 

I have started writing down ideas for future entries, which will help me when I think I have nothing to discuss. Truly, that’s why I’m absent sometimes—I don’t think I have anything you’d want to read. At any rate, ideas I’ve written down include: jealousy, need for support, FOMO (yeah, I’m a cool kid), fear of aging and depression. And of course, a healthy dose of some Friday Favorites, mixed with the triumphant return of Phriday Photos. 

Thank you for sticking with me and reminding me of the good in my life.

Sometimes the hurdles are good

I don’t want to be super click-baity, so I’ll tell you first that this week, I lost…4.2 pounds. Boom. Now you don’t have to keep reading if you just wanted the end result. Because now I’m going to tell you how I did it.

Not easily.

And here’s what I learned about that.

As you remember from my last entry, I kind of had a free-for-all with my friends, but I was determined not to let that derail me. It was important to let that weekend go, and start fresh with good choices. But it was hard. I felt tempted at every turn.

I worked at the Ronald McDonald House this weekend and unlike my February weekend, I felt restless and hungry. During my February weekend, I hardly thought about eating the goodies. This past weekend, I felt like I was constantly punching the throat of the devil on my shoulder who told me to eat.

But what I learned is that this isn’t really a bad thing. This is LIFE—and we all know life's not always easy. Sometimes our journeys are going to be difficult. Maybe it’s one day, or one week or one month, or even longer that just seems more challenging. But I think that those harder times when I feel most tempted are the times when I learn how strong I am. Hell, if it was always easy, we’d all be at our happiest and healthiest weights without even trying. And for most of us, that's just not the case.

So this weekend I gave in a little. I had a brownie. I had a cookie. But I didn’t let it stop me from making healthy choices 85 percent of the time—and the scale was nice to me as a result.

Challenges aren’t always bad things. In fact, in most cases, the opposite is true. Seeing that 4-pound loss today, and knowing I plowed through some real temptations, made that victory even sweeter.

Tuesday bonus photo

After Weight Watchers, I decided to go to Willy’s for lunch. For those not in the metro Atlanta area, Willy’s is similar to a Moe’s or Chipotle. I got a bowl with a little rice, some steak, a pinch of cheese and a few other things. I was very mindful of what I chose, despite having a good weigh-in.

They also give you chips with your meal. Uh-oh. That’s what gets me into trouble. But I know this—and knowledge is power. So I dutifully counted out 10 chips (10 big ones, duh) and crumbled up the rest. Except you know what else I've learned? I’d still grab that bag out of the garbage and eat those pieces. I learned that lesson a long time ago. So I squirted some lotion in the bag, crumbled it again and threw it away. Maybe I need to tell Gold Bond about a new way to advertise their product?

No regrets. But a big reminder.

So I’ve been trudging along with my weight loss, which is, quite frankly, going slower than I’d like. I think I can chalk that up to a couple of reasons. I’m older than I was last time around—even a few years might make a difference. I’m also not weight training like I was the first time around—something I hope to amend that soon.

But last week, it’s no surprise why loss didn’t happen.

I ate all the things.

I had friends come into town this weekend. The first thing we did was grab breakfast after I picked them up from the airport. I did great! Omelet. Small side of grits. I was off to a fantastic start.

But it started declining quickly. We went to the World of Coke. I let myself try a few of the Cokes in the tasting room (um, despite giving up soda for Lent), and I swear, I haven’t had that much sugar in a month or so. I felt gross.

And then it kept going. Dinner—let’s get an appetizer AND dessert (this was me saying this, by the way). And the next day—same thing.

Here’s a little something I’ve learned about indulgence along the way. It’s perfectly OK sometimes. Sure, have dessert every once in a while. Don’t deny yourself a piece of cake on your birthday. Live a little.

But be prepared when it comes back to smack you in the booty. I felt horrible this week, physically, anyway. Mentally, I told myself it was OK that I had a little bit of a crazy food weekend—as long as it didn't turn into more than that. I gained 1.8, which isn’t devastating, and I’m hard core back on track this week.

It’s strange. Even though I gained a little this week, I still feel like the way I handled it was a small victory for my emotions. I didn't beat myself up. I don't have tremendous regrets about the weekend. I moved on. But I moved on with a great reminder of how much better I feel when I'm taking care of myself, food-wise.

This weekend? I’m back at The Ronald. And I intend to crush it. 

Friday Favorites Finally

It’s back! The triumphant return of Friday Favorites! Are you excited? Can you FEEL the electricity?

OK, maybe not. But maybe I’ll give you some cool ideas, nonetheless. So without further ado, here are a few things I’m loving lately:

Egg roll/wonton wrappers

I love snacks. If I had my way, I’d just snack constantly and never eat a real meal. Also? I’ll choose appetizers over dessert every single time. Give me all the dips and rolls and chips and potato skins and mozzarella sticks and…OK, I need to stop. You get the picture. But life isn’t made on appetizers alone. So I’ve found a solution that marries a meal and a snack—and it makes my heart happy. Enter Nasoya wraps. Low in points (or calories, or whatever you may be counting) and full of endless possibilities, these things are bringing me such joy. They bake up crispy and soft, and I’m having a blast stuffing them with whatever I can imagine. My favorite is a Pizza Log (from a recipe created by the fabulous Emily Bites), but I’ve also made ham and cheese roll-ups and buffalo chicken roll-ups. And because I’m a good Catholic girl who can’t eat meat on Fridays right now, I’m contemplating a healthier version of Crab Rangoon very soon. These wraps are usually found in the produce section of your local grocery store.

Perfectly poached eggs  

I love eggs for breakfast. I find it necessary to start my day with protein. I especially love a good runny egg. But because I’m nothing if not a fan of the snooze button, I don’t usually have the time to make them. However, I’ve learned a trick that is truly life changing. Are you ready? You can cook perfectly poached eggs in a minute in your microwave. Take a regular coffee mug, fill it with water (I don't measure but usually fill it up about 1/2 to 3/4 of the way), break an egg into it, cover it with a plate and cook it for 60 seconds. Remove with a slotted spoon, and voila--a perfect egg. The trick is to make sure you take it out of the water right away, or it will continue to cook (which means a harder yolk, if you prefer it that way. You can call me over for the ones you "undercook."). Naturally, my favorite way to eat said eggs is on a piece of avocado toast.  Delish!

 

Old-school lunch

When I was a kid--even all throughout high school--my mom made my lunch (maybe I was a little spoiled?). That lunch was basically the same every day: sandwich, chips and some sort of Little Debbie snack cake. What? It was the '80s and '90s (Total side note, apropos of nothing: I recently was watching a YouTube makeup guru who was talking about a product I had just bought. She said she'd tried other similar products, but she felt like it looked really '80s, like middle school Then she said "By the way, I was NOT in middle school in the '80s." I turned her right off, the little brat. For the record, I WAS in middle school in the '80s. And it was glorious. I bet I can still fold a note in a cooler way than you, whippersnapper. Sorry. Tangent.) Anyway, this was perhaps where my love for Swiss Cake Rolls (and binge eating) began. Still, I grew up with a brown paper bag and milk money. So I'm trying to rekindle this, minus the Little Debbies.

 

I've recently started a new job where I'm in the hospital most days. And those days, I don't have access to a fridge. Brown bags just won't do the trick. So I found a lunchbag that helps. You put the PackIt lunchbag in the freezer overnight, pack your lunch goodies in it and your stuff will stay cold most of the day. I find it so satisfying to bring and eat my lunch. Though I don't do it every day, I'm trying very hard to make it the norm. This cute li'l black and white polka dot bag helps with that a lot.

 

Babybel cheese

My husband and I recently got a Costco membership. We wanted to try it for a year and see if we use it enough to justify it. But the cost of these glorious little wax-covered rounds of cheese may just be the only thing I need to buy a membership every year. I find that in the grocery store, they're just too expensive for too few. But Costco has a huge bag for less than $12. They make a perfect snack for this cheese-loving girl. Nothing better.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Smartfood Snack Bags

 

I love popcorn. I love cheese. Therefore, I love Smartfood. But I can't control myself around a big bag. I'll eat the whole freaking thing. Seriously. Enter the Smartfood Go Sack. There are 12 (!) small bags of Smartfood popcorn in this sack. It's perfect for lunches or snacks. And best of all? It's only 3 Smartpoints per bag. Eating my popcorn is one of the highlights of my day. Really.

 

Tracking

Full disclosure: I've never been a very good Weight Watcher tracker. Even when I was in my weight-loss prime, I was never that diligent with tracking my food--I tried to keep up with it in my head, but I think I used my WW meetings more for accountability. I'd make smart choices and weigh in, but it was rare that I knew how many points I'd consumed in a day. Hmm. Perhaps this is why my success...stalled. This time it's different. I'm actually enjoying tracking. I love the challenge of fitting healthy foods into my day. I don't always love the disappointment of discovering something is a lot higher than I thought it might be--but now I'm not surprised, because I check ahead of time. And I guess it's working, because I've lost 9.8 pounds (7.8 last week; 2 more this week) in two weeks. You know what they say--the program works if you work the program.

 

Thanks for your patience with this entry--I saved a few for next time, but will make sure to keep this a weekly thing like it used to be.

 

As always, I'm curious to know what you're loving! Share in the comments below so others might find some new faves.

 

Have a great weekend, friends!