Weekend of back and forth

Stop beating yourself up. Be kind to yourself. Remember how far you've come.

These are just a few of the words that expressed the overall sentiment from my Facebook followers during my weekend at The Ronald.

For those of you who don't follow me on Facebook (and there's a little link on the right of this page if you'd like to start), let me give you a little recap of my weekend.

Friday

I'm at the Ronald this weekend. If I don't post, someone bug me to make sure I'm not rocking in some corner, covered in Cheez-Its.

I didn't have a chance to bring food with me this weekend, so I'm going to just be aware of everything I eat and try not to overdo it. Dinner was fried chicken, mac & cheese, salad and biscuits. I had a little bit of everything. But not a lot. And that feels like a win.

Impending challenges--the storage room is much fuller than last time. And the Bakers' Club is coming tomorrow. Time to get my suit of armor out of storage.

Saturday 

For the first time I can remember, the breakfast crew didn't make eggs. Just pancakes, bacon and sausage. I had two small pancakes with some sugar-free syrup, a piece of bacon and half a piece of sausage. I think my challenge for the weekend is maybe not to be super restrictive, but just to be moderate. It's something I've been struggling with for a while, so this is a good way to face it head on. 

The Bakers' Club is making peach cobbler! Yay! I HATE cooked fruit, so won't even be tempted. We also recently got a fancy Ninja blender, so I made smoothies for the House. I miss the days of my beloved (but quickly broken) Nutribullet. Those of you who know me in real life know I have been obsessed with wanting a Vitamix lately. That want just got reinforced.

Felt myself going off the rails earlier. Chick-Fil-A dropped off extra sandwiches. The chocolate chip cookies were begging me to eat them. Before it got too out of control, I came down to my room and painted my nails. It's hard to keep reaching in the cookie jar (or bag full o' CFA sammiches) with wet nails. So while I made a couple not-so-great choices, I at least put on the brakes before I ruined it all.

 And the doozy from Saturday night:

I remember a time when I was so motivated to become a new person. So ready to change. Those days--the ones where I didn't have to rely on willpower, but just sheer desire to be better--seem like such distant memories. I am honest enough to say today wasn't good, but I'm not honest enough to go into details. I'm going to bed really sad and pretty defeated tonight. I suppose tomorrow is another day, yes?

Sunday

Definitely have a junk food hangover today. Woke up with a terrible dehydration headache. Still, I'm trying to remember that I have one day left to leave this weekend on a good note. So I started my morning with a little workout, courtesy of my iPhone.  

So far, so good. Had an omelet this morning with ham, cheese and onions, along with a banana with peanut butter. Lunch was a piece of ham and some kale salad. Drinking lots of water to flush out all the junk food toxins from yesterday. 

So, what was the final tally? After I lost complete control Saturday and went to bed feeling guilty and ashamed, I woke up and tried to start fresh. And...I did well. I went to bed Sunday night feeling better (although as of this post, I still haven't shaken my major headache).

I'm so grateful for the support I receive from you all. Often I forget people are reading the entries I write. But Facebook allows you guys to interact with me. And you never fail to talk me off the ledge.

I do, though, want to speak a little to my tendency to beat myself up. 

Here's the thing. I know I've come far. I know I've accomplished something. And sure, Saturday, was "just one day."

The bigger problem, though, is that I'm not in a good place. I haven't been since I can remember. "Just one day" seems to be more reflective of just one good day I have every once in a while. The hardest thing is that seem to know how to get myself back on track. So, as much as I'd like to pat myself on the back for what I've accomplished, I know I'm dangerously close to throwing it all away. And I just don't know why.

I miss that girl who was so motivated she didn't eat a french fry for six months. Who watched the scale go down weekly. Who was excited to shop because those sizes kept getting smaller. Who knew that victory tasted better than Doritos.

Because I don't feel like I'm her anymore. And I desperately want to find her. It's part of the reason I haven't been blogging. You guys don't need to hear me continue to whine about being stuck. I know full well I only have myself to blame. And if I were one of my readers, I'd want to yell at me and say "Snap out of it! We've heard the same thing from you for months now." 

So you have. But thanks for continuing to remind me of the good.