Since I’ve been writing this blog, one thing has been said to me repeatedly: you’re so open and honest.
But—to be honest—there’s one thing I’ve held out on discussing.
Even now, I’m cringing a bit to think of talking about it to you guys. Still, I think it’s something I need to talk about.
Dating totally freaks me out. Totally. How can I be in my mid- (OK, lateish) 30s and afraid to date? The answer, I think, is that I’m just out of practice. Which seems completely embarrassing.
For the past several years, food was my significant other. Who needs a boyfriend when you’re stuffing your face with mashed potatoes and frozen pizza? As I ate, I built a literal wall with my body that kept people out and kept me from getting hurt.
I’m one of the last of my friends to get married. I’m a professional bridesmaid. A committed godmother and a happy “aunt” to my friends’ kids. But I want that for myself. And I’m not getting any younger.
When I started losing weight, I told myself I would attempt dating when I got to a certain weight. Yeah, I passed that about 25 pounds ago. Tick tock.
With dating, much like my weight loss, I’ve spent most of my life waiting for something to happen to me, rather than trying to make it happen myself. Waiting for my weight to drop. Waiting for the perfect guy to sweep me off my feet.
I learned, though, that much like the Good Witch told Dorothy, I had the power to change my life all along. It has changed. But I’m not as confident about finding someone with whom to share it.
How do you explain to someone that the reason you haven’t dated in so long is because you were too busy wallowing in the middle of a food addiction? (Don’t worry, I wouldn’t actually say that.)
Then there are the normal fears. If I do the online dating thing and then meet people in person, will I be pretty enough? Good enough? I wish I could start thinking of this in terms of it being my choice. But I spent so much time in the depths of self-despair, it’s still hard for me to think of myself as worthy. I guess that’s where I need to start.
I may or may not keep you guys posted on this. This is a tough (REALLY) tough subject for me to tackle, but I am trying to work through it.
You guys just cross your fingers for me, OK?