Wagon of doom

See that wagon over there in the corner? Yeah. That’s the one I parked after I fell off of it.

Maybe it’s not working out. Maybe it’s not having my normal stamina. Maybe it’s a combination of both leading to me feeling sorry for myself and wanting to comfort myself with food. Either way, my weight is up, my self-esteem is down and I’m kind of over it.

Last week the doctor finally cleared me to sweat. I have been begging him for that pretty much since my surgery. I know that physically I’m not quite ready for high-impact stuff, but mentally, I need the release.

So last night, for the first time since mid-December, I got on the treadmill. I didn’t do anything fancy. I walked at a 4.0 pace with a slight incline. But I sweated. And it felt awesome.

Initially I was told that I couldn’t do anything high-impact for six weeks. This was my fifth week and I have an appointment next Thursday. I have a feeling I still won’t be ready, but at least now I know I have alternatives.

In the meantime, I need some inspiration. I need to do some planning. I need to go to the grocery store. And I need to stop eating like old Erika.

I haven’t gained a lot—maybe a pound or two according to my home scale. But I feel like I’m slipping a little. Also, the reason I only know what my home scale says is because I haven’t been to Weight Watchers in two weeks. I know, I know. Last week I had a work meeting I couldn’t miss, but this week I had no excuse.

So there are my confessions in a nutshell. But here are my promises for next week:

•   I will plan meals 
•   I will go to the grocery store
• I will not eat fast food
• I will do some sort of activity at least three to five days

There’s a start. I could use a pep talk or two, though. Because that wagon seems a little out of my reach.

Resolutions

It feels a little weird to post this, but I know some of you will want to see if it you haven't already. Yesterday, the Atlanta Journal-Constitution ran an article about sticking to New Year's resolutions and included me in the story. Though my weight loss journey did not begin as a resolution, I absolutely resolved to change my life. As a rule, I try not to make resolutions that could turn into big, fat fails. Instead, I try to make fun ones. Last year my New Year's resolution was to accessorize more. This year, it's to get my clothes tailored when they need it.

But whether you made a New Year's resolution to lose weight, or just resolved in general to get healthier, remember--it's a journey. Not something you decide to do for a little while. This is for a lifetime.

You can check out the AJC article here.

Between so-so and great

I know it's Friday and I owe you pictures, but to be honest, I haven't taken any new pictures in a while. So Photo Phriday is on hiatus this week.

I did want to give you a little bit more detail about how I'm feeling. Again, like I mentioned in the entry right after my surgery, everything has been much easier than anticipated. I haven't really been in pain, just more discomfort and soreness. I can live with that.

The most difficult part for me has been the mental part. And that is something I wasn't quite expecting. I suppose when you lose a part of yourself, or go through a fairly radical change, there's a grieving process that needs to happen. It's sort of where I am right now. As much as I wanted this surgery, it's also changing who I've been for most of my life--and I need to be aware of how that's affecting me. In a lot of ways, I've had to do that with my weight loss. If I'm not the funny, fat friend, then who am I? If I'm not the girl cracking jokes about my giant breasts, who will I be?

In many ways, I let those traits define me--my weight, my cup size. But that's not who I am. And that's what I'm trying to remember.

So many people have asked me if I'm happy with the results. The truth is that right now I have no regrets, but I also know it will take some time to adjust, both physically and emotionally. I'm struggling without my workouts to relieve my overactive brain (My doctor told me he didn't want me to work up a sweat yet, no matter how much I begged him), and I'm feeling a bit like an ugly blob of a duckling.

I'm trying very hard not to use food as a comfort when I'm feeling this way, but it hasn't been easy. Being back at work, though exhausting right now, has been great to get me back into my normal food routine. And I haven't gained any weight, despite my lack of workouts--I'll continue to keep that in check.

So when you ask me how I am? The positive, peppy me wants to say "great!" The realistic me wants to say "Eh. Just OK." But I think the realistic me is well on her way to greatness.

Looking back, moving forward

Happy New Year, everyone!

I’m back at work and ready to make 2012 the best year yet. I hope you are, too. I’m feeling fairly well after my surgery, though I plan to write more about that Friday.

For now, I wanted to look back at 2011. I had some highlights and some lowlights—some ups and some downs. All important steps along my ultimate journey. All opportunities for learned lessons.

In 2011, I:

•    Took a fantastic trip with one of my best friends to visit Los Angeles and hang with Oprah.

What I learned:

Flying—and traveling in general—is much easier than it was when I weighed 300 pounds. I was able to fit comfortably on a plane (a middle seat, even!) and take in the sights without dying of exhaustion.

• Tried my hand (er, legs?) at running. Not very successfully.

What I learned:

Running may not be for me. And that’s OK. Trying something new and getting out of my comfort zone is important—and just because I’m not good at it does not mean I’m a failure.

• Confronted my younger self when I spoke to overweight children and their families at Camp Strong4Life.

What I learned:

So much. It was one of the first times since I started losing weight that I was really sent into a tailspin. I didn’t expect the ripples of that experience to be so far-reaching, but indeed they were. I learned that 13-year-old Erika, and the things she went through, very much shaped who I am today. Both for good and for not-so-good. 

•   Hit my 100-pound milestone

 What I learned:

I can actually accomplish goals. And I still have a long way to go. But every single one of those pounds was a different lesson in itself—a triumph over a battle I’ve been fighting most of my life.

• Took a fun, spontaneous road trip with girlfriends to Nashville.

 What I learned:

Eating healthy is important. But so is eating the most amazing biscuits of all time. We all need to treat ourselves. Yay biscuits!

• Celebrated my 100-pound loss with my Children’s family.

What I learned:

I’m a very lucky girl. I’ve never felt so overwhelmed with love and support. You guys are an essential part of every pound I’ve lost.

• Met Donnie Wahlberg!!!!! OMG!!!!

What I learned:

I have the best job ever. And dreams can come true—especially when the timing is perfect.

• Started dating.

What I learned:

      Dating is interesting. I’ve met some great guys. I had my heart hurt a little. I had dates that led to fantastically hilarious stories to tell over cocktails with my friends. I learned that I’m worthy of finding someone perfect for me. I learned that whether or not a relationship is successful is actually not all about me. And I learned that I have a lot of hope for the future.

• Expanded my palate.

What I learned:

    Cauliflower is the most awesome thing EVER. 

• Had what I hope will be a lifechanging surgery.

What I learned:

Stay tuned. The lessons are still coming and, I suspect, will be for a long time.

I can’t wait to see what 2012 has in store for me. For all of us. Looking back at your 2011, what will you most remember?