It was a few weeks ago when I woke up in a cold sweat. I could not shake this dream.
I'm always sort of jealous of people who have vivid dream lives--I've never been one of them. I rarely remember my dreams. But this one hasn't left me yet.
I was standing in this huge hotel ballroom on a stage surrounded by complete strangers. Next to me was my fiancé, microphone in hand, fielding questions and comments from the crowd.
"Yes, you, ma'am. What did you want to tell Erika about her weight?"
"And you, tell her why she'll be the fattest, ugliest bride in history?"
First of all, no more "Say Yes to the Dress" before bed. Or maybe ever. Yeah, probably ever.
Second, oh yeah, I'm engaged.
At the end of May, my boyfriend and I went to the beach, where he got down on one knee--shocked the hell out of me--and proposed with my grandmother's beautiful ring. The surprises kept coming, when a bunch of my family and friends joined us to celebrate. I had no idea any of it was happening. I was overwhelmed by so much love.
Since then, I've struggled with a lot of different emotions. I don't think I'm your typical bride to be. Maybe it's because I'm older. Maybe it's because I never thought this would ever happen to me. Maybe it's because I'm stressed about how we're going to afford this. And sadly, maybe it's because I'm most struggling with feeling that I don't deserve this.
I know deep down that I do deserve this. But I think that I've let myself slide so far backward that I don't know where to start again. I don't WANT to have to focus on my weight on my wedding day. I don't want to not be able to breathe because I'm so undergarmented to death that I can't even do the Wobble (oh, and you bet your sweet booty, there will be Wobbling).
I'm so tempted to crawl under my covers and pretend this isn't happening. That's messed up, isn't it? I mean, something is totally wrong with me, no?
I love my fiance. I adore him. He makes me happy. He loves me and protects me in the fiercest way I never thought was possible. But, since we've been engaged, I find myself more easily irritated with him. I know a big part of that is my judging him for wanting to be with me forever. I mean, what's wrong with him?
I want to marry him. I want to be surrounded by the people who love us, who are already so excited for us. I want to feel beautiful and special and not worry about all this other junk that plagues me.
I just don't know how to do it.
I should be blogging. I should start over. But how do I do that? How, now, when I have such a huge life change looming?
I'm pondering all of this. I'll need you guys to help me through it. Because I might just be the most screwed-up bride of all time.