Friday, August 23, 2013

Loud and not proud

Excuse me while I dust off the cobwebs.

There. That's better.

Hi, friends. Yes, it's been since June since I've blogged. Yes, I'm still struggling. Yes, I'm still trying.

So there's that.

Besides my weight gain, and my clothes not fitting the way I'd like, I think I'm most bothered by my emotional state. I find myself, more and more, choosing food over events. Over people. Over everything.

Not only am I choosing food, but the self talk in my head, which I've always struggled with, has become resoundingly negative. And super duper loud. It's keeping me awake. It's keeping me from wanting to do things.

All parts of the old me who keep creeping up again.

Though I've never fully gotten rid of the negative self talk, at some point I was stronger to resist it and shoo it away. Now it feels like a dark evil force that strangles my every thought.

I don't mean to be so dramatic about it. Clearly, I hate dramatics (wink, wink). But seriously, it's a gravitational pull lately.

As an example. Last night I dragged my fat a$$ booty to Cardio Fusion for the first time in like a month. I worked hard, but the entire time, all I could think about was my jiggling stomach, my flapping arm flab, how much I'd let myself go. Why couldn't I focus on the good things I was doing for my body?

My negative self image has permeated my life and is working at a new level. It causes issues in my job, with my friendships and with my relationship. My sweet boyfriend, who never yells at me, has once or twice raised his voice to say, "STOP IT. You are talking about the woman I love. And I'm sick of it."

He's right. I'm sick of it, too. This is certainly not the first time I've talked about my self-loathing. But I know for sure it's what's keeping me stuck.

I had a wonderful therapy group for years, but our leader moved and we disbanded. I miss them. I miss having an objective sounding board. I know I need that. So I'm going to look for a new counselor and get this stuff in control.

It's making my head hurt.