Friday, August 23, 2013

Loud and not proud

Excuse me while I dust off the cobwebs.

There. That's better.

Hi, friends. Yes, it's been since June since I've blogged. Yes, I'm still struggling. Yes, I'm still trying.

So there's that.

Besides my weight gain, and my clothes not fitting the way I'd like, I think I'm most bothered by my emotional state. I find myself, more and more, choosing food over events. Over people. Over everything.

Not only am I choosing food, but the self talk in my head, which I've always struggled with, has become resoundingly negative. And super duper loud. It's keeping me awake. It's keeping me from wanting to do things.

All parts of the old me who keep creeping up again.

Though I've never fully gotten rid of the negative self talk, at some point I was stronger to resist it and shoo it away. Now it feels like a dark evil force that strangles my every thought.

I don't mean to be so dramatic about it. Clearly, I hate dramatics (wink, wink). But seriously, it's a gravitational pull lately.

As an example. Last night I dragged my fat a$$ booty to Cardio Fusion for the first time in like a month. I worked hard, but the entire time, all I could think about was my jiggling stomach, my flapping arm flab, how much I'd let myself go. Why couldn't I focus on the good things I was doing for my body?

My negative self image has permeated my life and is working at a new level. It causes issues in my job, with my friendships and with my relationship. My sweet boyfriend, who never yells at me, has once or twice raised his voice to say, "STOP IT. You are talking about the woman I love. And I'm sick of it."

He's right. I'm sick of it, too. This is certainly not the first time I've talked about my self-loathing. But I know for sure it's what's keeping me stuck.

I had a wonderful therapy group for years, but our leader moved and we disbanded. I miss them. I miss having an objective sounding board. I know I need that. So I'm going to look for a new counselor and get this stuff in control.

It's making my head hurt.


Anonymous said...

Do not discount how strong you have to be to share your struggles with the world, Erika. :) I couldn't do it...
I have had a similar summer of gaining after bustin' booty to lose last year and am very annoyed with myself. But I try not to let it overshadow everything else. If that negative talk starts I have been able to shut it down with music. If I'm singing or grooving to my fav tunes then I can't be listening to the garbage in my head :P But I know what it's like to get stuck in your own head - sometimes it takes a crowbar to get out!
Your work, your writing, family and friends say SO MUCH MORE about you than this one aspect. It's JUST food and weight. You're working on it - and that's enough.
Hugs!! I think you're amazing!

Anonymous said...

It's good to see you checking in--I
ve missed your posts. I hate those negative voices--and I hope you can find a good group/counselor that can help you!