One doesn't have to be the loneliest number

Yesterday, I crossed something off my bucket list. I went to the movies by myself.

Now for some people, this isn't a big deal. I have friends who love going to the movies alone. But for me it was a significant thing. I probably could have found someone to go with me, but it was important to me to do it on my own.

I have realized that I base way too much of my own self esteem on what I think others think about me. It's not even what people say or do, but how I perceive it. And it's kind of messed up.

As I settled into my chair (I saw The Butler, by the way. Fabulous.) with my small popcorn (OK, and Junior Mints, which no one cared if I dumped into the popcorn bag), I panicked a little. Am I the only one all by myself? Look at that group of girlfriends who are together for a movie date. Do people think I have no friends? No one who loves me?

The bigger question: Should it matter?

I wish I could say no. Unfortunately, I let it matter all too much. But I allowed myself to be a little uncomfortable, and then I enjoyed the movie. I walked out of there almost like I would after a good workout--with a big sense of accomplishment. Being alone isn't so bad.

Here's the thing about me. I've always been desperate to fit in--no matter the circumstance. My former women's group began in a rocky way for me, with one member telling me I didn't need to try so hard, that they already liked me. It hurt my feelings, but she was right. And it made me see things from a new perspective.

I hate that I'm jealous and insecure. I struggle with that especially in big groups of friends. I worry that no one really wants me there--that the only reason I'm there is because of the one person that really likes me who says "Come on, guys. I know you don't really like Erika, but give her a chance." And then I ruin it by trying annoyingly too hard. Almost every time I leave a group of two or more friends, I analyze how I acted and if they will want me around in the future. And then I tell myself that the NEXT time, I'll be less chatty, less desperate, less insecure.

Why am I telling you all this? It is a little hard for me to write about, because it's embarrassing and perhaps the part of me I most dislike. I long to be confident and not worry if people like me. I mean, my friends love me. So why do I question this? Constantly? It creates a vicious cycle.

I think about my movie date with myself. Of course I'll question whether or not people like me. I mean, I don't even like hanging out with me.

It's something I am trying to work on--being OK with being who I am--whether that's in a group or by myself.

But I hope people who love me will remind me, like my very wise friend did once upon a woman's group, that I don't have to try so hard. Being myself is enough.