Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Dreams come true--but hopefully not all of them

It was a few weeks ago when I woke up in a cold sweat. I could not shake this dream.

I'm always sort of jealous of people who have vivid dream lives--I've never been one of them. I rarely remember my dreams. But this one hasn't left me yet.

I was standing in this huge hotel ballroom on a stage surrounded by complete strangers. Next to me was my fiancé, microphone in hand, fielding questions and comments from the crowd.

"Yes, you, ma'am. What did you want to tell Erika about her weight?"

"And you, tell her why she'll be the fattest, ugliest bride in history?"

First of all, no more "Say Yes to the Dress" before bed. Or maybe ever. Yeah, probably ever.

Second, oh yeah, I'm engaged.

At the end of May, my boyfriend and I went to the beach, where he got down on one knee--shocked the hell out of me--and proposed with my grandmother's beautiful ring. The surprises kept coming, when a bunch of my family and friends joined us to celebrate. I had no idea any of it was happening. I was overwhelmed by so much love.

Since then, I've struggled with a lot of different emotions. I don't think I'm your typical bride to be. Maybe it's because I'm older. Maybe it's because I never thought this would ever happen to me. Maybe it's because I'm stressed about how we're going to afford this. And sadly, maybe it's because I'm most struggling with feeling that I don't deserve this.

I know deep down that I do deserve this. But I think that I've let myself slide so far backward that I don't know where to start again. I don't WANT to have to focus on my weight on  my wedding day. I don't want to not be able to breathe because I'm so undergarmented to death that I can't even do the Wobble (oh, and you bet your sweet booty, there will be Wobbling).

I'm so tempted to crawl under my covers and pretend this isn't happening. That's messed up, isn't it? I mean, something is totally wrong with me, no?

I love my fiance. I adore him. He makes me happy. He loves me and protects me in the fiercest way I never thought was possible. But, since we've been engaged, I find myself more easily irritated with him. I know a big part of that is my judging him for wanting to be with me forever. I mean, what's wrong with him?

I want to marry him. I want to be surrounded by the people who love us, who are already so excited for us. I want to feel beautiful and special and not worry about all this other junk that plagues me.

I just don't know how to do it.

I should be blogging. I should start over. But how do I do that? How, now, when I have such a huge life change looming?

I'm pondering all of this. I'll need you guys to help me through it. Because I might just be the most screwed-up bride of all time.




7 comments:

Deb said...

Congratulations!! Just simply be happy:)

Erika said...

Thank you, Deb. It should just be that easy, shouldn't it?

Amanda said...

Congratulations, Erika! What a wonderful surprise! Think of your Mom during this wonderful time - she would want you to be happy. Surely she's smiling down on you and your fiance'!

Lindsay Smith said...

I am soo unbelievably happy for you Erika and have always loved following your fun filled life! I want you to remember that life is WAY to short to feel that way and just know that everything happens for a reason!! Getting married is only going to change and make your life better and I really hope you know that you are going to a beautiful bride no matter how you feel! You are naturally pretty and you should only know that God wants you to look at this as an amazing part of life!! I agree with Deb, just be happy and try your best to overcome that little devil that is trying to make you feel otherwise! You are such a better person than that as well as a smart, loving and AMAZING woman that needs to be thankful for this wonderful life changing time in your life!! Keep Smiling :)

Lindsay Smith said...

I am soo unbelievably happy for you Erika and have always loved following your fun filled life! I want you to remember that life is WAY to short to feel that way and just know that everything happens for a reason!! Getting married is only going to change and make your life better and I really hope you know that you are going to a beautiful bride no matter how you feel! You are naturally pretty and you should only know that God wants you to look at this as an amazing part of life!! I agree with Deb, just be happy and try your best to overcome that little devil that is trying to make you feel otherwise! You are such a better person than that as well as a smart, loving and AMAZING woman that needs to be thankful for this wonderful life changing time in your life!! Keep Smiling :)

Lisa W. said...

Congratulations!! Remember when you & I were chatting at a rehearsal dinner (almost exactly) 3 years ago and you were convinced that it would never happen for you? I seem to recall telling you beyond a shadow of a doubt that the person you were going to fall in love with and spend the rest of your life with was somewhere out there at that very moment and when the time was right, you two would meet and it would all unfold. You weren't convinced, but I knew it FOR you.

Here's something else I know: Love is a beautiful thing. It is the only thing in life that matters. It is the only thing we take with us when we leave this earthly realm - it is THAT transcendent. You didn't think you would ever find it, but honey, it found you!

You are the star of your own life story! There are a lot of moments between now and your wedding, and I can assure you that no matter what you do or don't do, what you eat or don't eat, how you look, what you wear, or which dadgum centerpiece you decide upon - when you stand before Ray and pledge your life to his, you WILL feel beautiful and the beauty of that moment. Trust me. Trust yourself. Trust life to unfold as it is meant to and practice gratitude for your blessings! Your happy smile is so contagious!

As for those negative thoughts, just breathe through them. They're just habit. Acknowledge them without giving them any power, and know that they will pass. Exhale them out and remind yourself that they don't serve you anymore. Redirect your focus to gratitude, allow God's grace to empower you, and move forward moment to moment into the future that you absolutely deserve! (((hugs)))

CD said...

You deserve every bit of happiness you encounter, Erika! I'm excited for you...Live each day to the fullest and enjoy the JOURNEY... the destination will be there but all you have today is the JOURNEY so make the most out of it. I miss you!