Friday, January 6, 2012

Between so-so and great

I know it's Friday and I owe you pictures, but to be honest, I haven't taken any new pictures in a while. So Photo Phriday is on hiatus this week.

I did want to give you a little bit more detail about how I'm feeling. Again, like I mentioned in the entry right after my surgery, everything has been much easier than anticipated. I haven't really been in pain, just more discomfort and soreness. I can live with that.

The most difficult part for me has been the mental part. And that is something I wasn't quite expecting. I suppose when you lose a part of yourself, or go through a fairly radical change, there's a grieving process that needs to happen. It's sort of where I am right now. As much as I wanted this surgery, it's also changing who I've been for most of my life--and I need to be aware of how that's affecting me. In a lot of ways, I've had to do that with my weight loss. If I'm not the funny, fat friend, then who am I? If I'm not the girl cracking jokes about my giant breasts, who will I be?

In many ways, I let those traits define me--my weight, my cup size. But that's not who I am. And that's what I'm trying to remember.

So many people have asked me if I'm happy with the results. The truth is that right now I have no regrets, but I also know it will take some time to adjust, both physically and emotionally. I'm struggling without my workouts to relieve my overactive brain (My doctor told me he didn't want me to work up a sweat yet, no matter how much I begged him), and I'm feeling a bit like an ugly blob of a duckling.

I'm trying very hard not to use food as a comfort when I'm feeling this way, but it hasn't been easy. Being back at work, though exhausting right now, has been great to get me back into my normal food routine. And I haven't gained any weight, despite my lack of workouts--I'll continue to keep that in check.

So when you ask me how I am? The positive, peppy me wants to say "great!" The realistic me wants to say "Eh. Just OK." But I think the realistic me is well on her way to greatness.


Anonymous said...

Erika- I love your honesty! and your last line made me want to blare that lady gaga song just for you. "Im on the edge of glory..." Eye of the tiger, girlfriend. You got this. You are gonna be running up those steps in victory like Rocky in no time! :-)

Dawn M. Stark said...

When I read this the thing I first thought of in regards to you not being the same girl is that's what is great about life, we keep getting to re-create who we are and who we want to be.

Funny, dropping jokes about your boob size Erika was appropriate for that time in life and now you get to create who the new Erika is with a gorgeous body and a gorgeous self image to go along with it!

Love ya girl!

cd said...

Hang in there, girl. You've just gone through A LOT! You are YOU and you don't have to define that definitively. I change all the time, I feel! You are just awesome!!! Awesome, just the way yuo are at any given moment. I feel that 2012 is going to be your BEST year yet!

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