Friday, February 26, 2010

Heavy with regret

I was e-mailing with a dear friend the other day about us possibly getting together soon. I miss her and would love to see her. She only lives about 30 minutes away from me, and yet, it’s been about two years since we’ve seen each other.

I can blame hectic schedules--a perpetual lack of time, perhaps. But the truth is that the only thing that has kept me from getting together with her is shame.

Now it’s not just this particular friend. In fact, when I look back at the opportunities I’ve missed because I’m embarrassed by my weight or ashamed of who I am, I feel more than a little regretful.

I’ve skipped weddings. I’ve avoided family members and dating. I’ve made up excuses and lied to get out of parties and other events.

And let me say something obvious to those who know me—I am an extrovert—a social, talkative being with CAPITAL LETTERS and lots of exclamation points!!!!! But the more I’ve grown outward, the more I’ve also grown inward. I’ve made my life into a tiny bubble, rather than be the bubbly person I’ve always been.

The worst thing is that I know these people, like the friend I was e-mailing, love me. They love me for all the good and all the bad, inside and out. Sometimes, though, when you’re consumed with insecurities, you can talk yourself into believing that people dislike you as much as you do yourself.

I know that’s why it’s so important to learn to love yourself. I also know that’s not an overnight process. I have beat myself up for years and convinced myself I’m not worthy. And to change that takes acceptance and growth that won’t come just with weight loss.

So I’m working on the outside and I’m working on the inside. And the day they both finally reflect my true self is when I believe I’ll find harmonious happiness—CAPITAL LETTERS and exclamation points!!!!! included.


Anonymous said...

I hope that you get together with your friend! She loves you no matter what and what a great time in your life to be sharing with your friends this amazing health and wellness journey you're on.... You're doing GREAT!!! Look in that mirror and be proud of the amazingly wonderful person you are! Your blogs are inspiring, Erika!

Anonymous said...

Hey Erika! You're not alone. Alot of us have done the same, due to insecurities. I'm glad you put it out there for all to read and think about. Keep up the good work and you are inspiring us all.

Anonymous said...

Way to go on sticking with and putting one foot in front of the other. Managing weight has been a life long journay - including many detours, blizzards (yes - Dairy Queen), and the highs/lows. I have lost 28 pounds using the resources available through Chilren's. I have identified my mentors, buddies, and my favorite.. "my own heart" as I continue down this journey of putting me "first" so I can care for everyone around me. When you take a detour the real person you are cheating is yourself. Hang in there and keep it up. You are so worth it and under all that weight is a beautiful women screaming to get out and say, "Hey look at me...". Keep up the great work and I appreciate your honest and open communication - you are not alone. Beth W.