Monday, June 28, 2010

A bittersweet change

I just made a phone call that broke my heart.

As of about 30 minutes ago, I am officially on a leave of absence from the Ronald McDonald House.

I decided this weekend would be my opportunity to really evaluate my time there. As it has been the past few times, it was pretty much a disaster. And I decided I couldn’t do it anymore.

Recovering alcoholics can’t hang out in bars. The Ronald is my bar. And right now my recovery is too fragile to hang out there.

But the Ronald is also a big part of who I am, and my heart is a little crushed at its loss. I know I’ll stay in touch and maybe even volunteer there sometimes. I’ll probably even fill in every once in a while as a weekend manager. But right now I have to make this decision for me.

It's interesting. I used to look forward to my weekends because of the food. How things have changed.I’ve been fortunate in that even though I’ve had some terrible weekends, food-wise, I haven’t gained any weight from them. But the bigger problem is what it does to my ego and to my emotions. When I walk away from a weekend where I felt out of control, it affects me for the next few days. And I just can’t have these emotional setbacks every month.

In a superficial way, my position was a paid one, so I’ll miss the extra bit of money, too. But I’ll just have to budget a little tighter.

I’m sad. I’m disappointed. But I also feel hope that I am able to make these big decisions for my health. As much as it hurts, I know it’s the right thing to do.

9 comments:

Kevin M. said...

I'm so proud of you. You made the best decision FOR YOU. And that took a lot of courage. Your heart will be filled with something new very soon...maybe even one with lots of good temptations!

You are an amazing role model. Thanks for sharing your life with all us curious spectators.

Anonymous said...

Erika,

I said it earlier, but I am so proud of you for putting yourself first. Keep up the great work!

AZ

Anonymous said...

Good for you Erika!! Putting yourself first is crucial right now. I really think you made the right choice. And very selfishly, i am excited that you will have more time on the weekends, so we can get together!!! :) Beth

myocean said...

You are an amazingly strong and admirable woman E!!! I am proud to of you and hopeful because of you!! xo

Dinah said...

Good for you, doll! Letting go of The Guilt to do what you need to do is a HUGE achievement! Now: what will you do with all your new-found free time? Some long walks with friends, perhaps? So many fun possibilities! :)

Anonymous said...

Do you have any idea how courageous that was?

You made a tough decision, the right one, and acted on it, although it was an EXTREMELY hard call.

This blog ain't just about losing the weight, for sure.

So proud of you.

D.Stark said...

I'm proud of you Erika. I know this was a really tough decision for you. Don't second guess yourself, you are doing it for you.

The Ronald was blessed to have you serve their community for a very long time and now they are free to find someone to fill your spot.

And you are free to soar higher for yourself. Good for you girl. I have your HR monitor. Let's hook up.

Love to you!
Dawn

CD said...

Thank you for your honesty - You have come SO FAR in that you can recognize that which brings you down and you can make the changes that propel you in the right direction - and maybe it won't be a forever thing - maybe it will - time will tell - You are such a giver - you'll find other ways to give of yourself without hurting yourself simultaneously.

You should be darn proud of how strong you are!!! Thanks for sharing.

Anonymous said...

Have I told you today how proud I am of you, E?!?