Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Peaks and (death) valleys

I weighed today. I was up...more than 2 pounds (in two weeks, since I didn't weigh in last week). Dusting off and moving on. But first, let's talk a little bit about last week.

One lesson I learned: in addition to bread, crackers or chips of any kind, I can no longer keep olives or almonds in my house. Who knew? Well, I do now.

I had a few disappointments last week and I had to really fight not to eat over them. Some days I was more successful than others.


Friday after work I was feeling really down. While I was on my way home from work, I decided I was going to stop off at a take-out place for some yummy, guilt- and grease-laden food. I got off the exit, chastised myself and got right back on the highway. I went home, changed into workout clothes, texted a friend to make dinner plans and went to Zumba. Me: 1, Compulsive overeating: 0.

Saturday I went to a gala. It was full of pretty dresses, inspiring words and boring hotel food. Still, they fed us. I was full. But I walked out of that hotel with an overwhelming desire to go to McDonald's. I stopped myself--quite literally in the parking lot--and reminded myself of something I learned a long time ago: HALT. Did I want fast food because I was Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired? I knew for sure it wasn't the first one. So I called a friend, told her I needed her to stop me from McDonald's and talked to her until I got home. Me: 2, Compulsive overeating: Still zilch.


Wednesday was an especially down day for me. I called a friend to tell her I wanted fast food, and she discouraged me from it. I told her that I would absolutely not get McDonald's. So I didn't. Instead, I stopped at the grocery store, got myself some other junk food, and ate until I didn't feel anything anymore. Except for more sadness. So, that didn't really do the trick, did it?

Sunday, after two days of overcoming binges, my "I don't care" attitude came back in full force. I drowned my sorrows in pizza and Ritz crackers.

Overall? Compulsive overeating won by about 6 to 2. And today the scale showed it.

You know, sometimes I think I'm going to be stuck in this pattern forever. Every day, I get up and try to make better choices. It just doesn't always end that way. But I'm still fighting.



Anonymous said...

I , too am 2 pounds up and am inspired by your continuing battle. Keep leading the charge; I am right behind you.

Anonymous said...

Your honesty is, as always, inspiring. I heard a guy on NPR yesterday who had lost about 250 pounds and is now, even while still pretty big, doing bike races. He said you have to accept yourself before you can make any real change. It sounds like you are struggling, but making great strides, at accepting who you are now. I admire you. ~ Laura S.

Anonymous said...

Yesterday I was angry with my husband so I stopped at Kroger and bought a four pack of french creme twirls. And ate the whole thing in the car before I got home. And hid the evidence in the trashcan before I went inside. Did it make me less angry? No. Did it help me resolve my issue with my husband? No. So why did I make that choice? (And it was a totally conscious choice!) I honestly don't know. Hang tough.

Jenny said...

Erika, there was a time in your life when you would have given into the fast food stop or the junk food binge EVERY time, not just half the time. I consider those two times where you overcame your desire to eat MUCH more important and MUCH more indicative of how much you've changed than the times that you didn't.

This is not a pattern that you're stuck in, honey, it's a new - and more successful - way of life. And I think it's awesome. You're never going to be 100% perfect. No one is, and those people who think they are are boring.