Thursday, November 7, 2013


Three years ago, when I wrote my very first blog entry, I talked about avoiding the annual health fair, despite the fact that participation would earn me a discount on my insurance. I was just too ashamed to let a stranger measure me and tell me everything I needed to do to change my life. It just seemed insurmountable then.

In subsequent years, I've not thought much about those health fairs--my only reason for not going was the pain of the flu shot or finger stick (seriously, those finger sticks hurt a LOT. And for days. I'm a wimp, apparently.). There was no worry about getting my biometrics done. Yeah, I was still overweight, but I was working to change it and knew exactly where I stood.

But this year was different. This year, I waited until the last possible day to attend. I thought about not going. I cried about it. I agonized about a stranger weighing me, measuring me and telling me everything I need to do to change my life. It just seems insurmountable now.

I am unhappy. With myself. With my regression. With my insecurities. With my lack of self-control. With my body. With my mind. I feel like I don't know who I am anymore.

I can't blame it on anything. I can maybe pinpoint when I started going backward, but I can no longer blame it on anyone. Not even myself.

Because you know what? Blame isn't going to do a damn thing. It's not going to take off these 40 pounds I've gained. It's not going to stop me from bingeing (and sometimes purging). It's not going to magically transform me into the motivated, weight-loss machine I once was. I am miserable, and I'm the only one who can fix it.

I was talking to my boyfriend the other night and crying about the health fair. I wasn't crying just because I didn't want to go. I was crying because I felt like the 300-something pound me who actually didn't go to the health fair back then. It hurt my heart to think of how far I got and how many steps back I've taken.

Though I'm depressed, I've also found a new determination (depressination? Boom. Blog title). I know I've said this before, but right now I feel like my life truly depends on it. I'm really making a new commitment to cut out processed foods and sugar--the things that make me feel terrible, sluggish and generally awful.

I'm making baby steps. I'm fighting like hell to ignore the very strong urge to become a hermit and cut everyone out of my life. This isn't easy. And right now, it's not even about my scale. It's about gaining control and believing in myself again.

Getting back to this blog is a must. But I also feel like I've let a lot of you down. I'm sorry for that. I'm trying. Always.


Anonymous said...

You inspire me with your honesty and courage. Thank you for sharing.

Charlotte Marie said...

you have not let anyone down! it takes A LOT of courage to be honest about your struggles -- and THAT is inspiring. if the blog is a good channel for you, I'd love to keep reading it. I love hearing your thoughts!! here's to renewed motivation.

Charlotte Marie said...

You have not let anyone down! Your honesty and courage is INSPIRING. I love hearing your thoughts, so if you want to keep blogging, I'd love to keep reading. You're amazing to stay on the journey.

Kellynn18 said...

Oh, Erika, you haven't let any of us down. We are here to encourage and support you--not to judge or condemn you. I hope you can get back to a place where you're happy with yourself and your progress. Let me know if you need anything; I'm here for you!!

Anonymous said...

We are living the same doggone life right now! I did so great and now I'm not and I've gained somewhere between 30 and 40 pounds. Don't really want to know exactly... I don't know where the motivated me went but you didn't let me down and it feels good to know I'm not alone. I'm gonna try again too.

Anonymous said...

Just wanted to send you a {{{hug}}}. Your honesty and transparency takes a great deal of courage--so many of us cannot even admit to ourselves what our issues are, much less to blog about them, and I know that is the first (big!) step to healing. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!