Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Colonial child? Or rapper up in herre?

Nelly/Nellie. It’s what I call her. She’s more a mean girl to my Laura Ingalls than a Band-Aid-wearing rapper from the early 2000s, but she’s there all the time. It’s my fervent wish to rid myself of her for good this year. It’s my top goal. My absolute priority. Be gone, Negative Nelly.

Today Nelly has been relentless. She’s beating me up for not losing enough weight this week. I worked my booty off last week. My food was on plan, I worked out pretty hard several days a week and took my dog for a walk on the days I didn’t. And I let myself have a little indulgence at my best friend’s birthday dinner on Saturday, but only after I went to my hardest workout class that morning. 

And I lost 4 pounds.

Um, yo Nelly (sorry, maybe she is, in fact, the rapper?), shut up—4 pounds is pretty acceptable. More than acceptable, even. It’s kind of awesome.

So why isn’t Nelly letting me believe that?

Instead, she’s reminding me that I changed into workout clothes for this week’s weigh-in, but not last week’s. Those clothes from last week could have added more, so maybe I didn't lose all 4 of those pounds. She’s telling me that 4 pounds are nothing compared to how far I have to go. Oh, and by the way, don’t forget you’re getting married in less than a year, she says. She likes to add a #fatbride hashtag, too. After pulling my pigtails.

I am doing everything I can to combat Nelly. I’m going to therapy. I’m talking it out with friends. I’m reading a new devotional about confidence. I hate that this is even an issue—that I can’t seem to shake her.

Honesty. It’s what I always strive for with this blog. So I have to be honest about my negative voice, while knowing that I can’t let it control me or even this site. I’ve let that happen far too long.

Do you guys have a way to beat your inner critic? I’m thinking duel to the death. Or maybe a dance off.


Jewel Maven said...

Erika (MOWL),

My inner voice (Nancy) (just kidding...she doesn't have a name) (yet) can't keep her mouth shut. It's pretty funny to me how much you and I are alike! It makes me feel so much better knowing I'm not alone. When I get on the scales I hear that voice saying, "That weight can't be right! Let's do two out of three." She also tried to break my will be telling me I'm getting no where fast and eating pizza and cheeseburgers are so much more fun to eat than kale and spinach. (She's right.) I am an over-achiever on a big scale, yet I can't seem to get a handle on this weight-loss thing. I know it's my subconscious mind, because my conscious mind is so sick of being overweight, I can hardly stand it!!

Since we're being honest, I must come clean about something... Whenever I'm posting a comment here, I always picture the 'overweight' Erika instead of the 'AFTER' Erika. Sad I know, but it helps me remember that you have been where I am. I feel that 'overweight' Erika is not judging me but is laughing with me because she knows all to well where I'm coming from. Okay, having said that, just now while I was typing, I've made a vow to think of you as the AFTER Erika. You deserve that! Now I'm feeling all petty about that honest comment. How would I like it if I had worked my butt off only to have some stranger on the Interwebs still think of me as the 'BEFORE' girl? Not at all. No, not at all. So, I nearly went and just deleted this whole paragraph. I'm leaving it in. I'll just do better going forward. Think Happy thoughts. Think Happy thoughts.

Erika said...

I border on literally squealing with delight when I see your name in my comments, Jewel. You crack me up and always make my day.

You can picture me however you'd like. I'm not quite the before, not quite the after. I'm more the in betweensies. So you don't at all offend me with that. :) Are you connected to my FB page? I do post more pictures there--mostly sweaty-faced post-workout pics. So that's super sexy.

Jewel Maven said...

(Thanks for the kind words.) I'll have to find you on FB, but I'll have to use my "fake" FB alias. Otherwise, my friends will all see it and I'm still in denial. I do not want my friends involved in this. Not yet. Maybe never. (I know...I don't even wanna hear it!)