It’s been a long time. A long time for everything. Since I
wrote an entry. Since I started this blog. Since I started this journey. Since
I felt focused. Motivated.
I’ve made a lot of excuses. I started dating. I ate. I felt
vulnerable. I ate. My dad died. I ate. I got married. I ate. I couldn’t get
pregnant. I ate.
And ate.
And ate.
At my lowest, I lost 130 pounds. Now I’m hovering around 55
pounds lost. But let’s be real. That’s about 75 pounds gained.
I’ve not blogged in a long time. Part of it was depression.
But a bigger part of it was shame. Failure is a tough thing when you’ve been
called an inspiration. I was always uncomfortable with that word—but I can
admit that I was flattered by it, too. So it hurt to face you guys. It has hurt
to face a lot of people. I still meet people who say “Oh, you used to write a
blog!” Yes, I used to. Yes, I sort of still do. Yes, I used to be that girl.
But in my heart, I know “that girl” is still me—somewhere deep
inside. And I think I’ve finally started to uncover her once again.
I had a moment about a month ago. I was in a workout class
(yep, I still actually do those) and had, what seems, a million overwhelming
feelings. I felt worthless. Useless. Insignificant. Unhealthy. Do I matter at
work? Do I matter in this world that feels like it’s falling apart? Do I matter
if I can’t have a baby and can’t be a mother (please note: this is my
personal feeling about my own life—not a judgment at ALL about women who choose
not to have children)? Do I matter when I’m back to being that obese girl
staring back at me in the gym mirror?
And then I felt it—an epiphany.
What is the one thing I could control--of all those things
that were figuratively (and literally) weighing on me?
My health.
So I have. I started that next morning. I’ve gone back to
Weight Watchers in a near-obsessive fashion. I’m tracking my points like a
boss. I’m clinging to that feeling of control that I’d lost for so long. I’m
more focused than I’ve been maybe since the early days of my blog. I’m down 10
pounds and I have no intention of stopping.
I know it may be hard for y’all to trust that—to trust me. I’ve
claimed new beginnings a hundred times. But in my heart of hearts, I feel like this
is my last chance. And I just can’t squander that again.
I’m working to create some more content for this site, and I
hope you’ll come with me. After all, we need each other, right?
Much love to you, always. And remember—you are worthy. And
so am I.
P.S. Thanks to Counting Crows for this blog's title.
