Wednesday, February 22, 2017

But I don't want to be insignificant

It’s been a long time. A long time for everything. Since I wrote an entry. Since I started this blog. Since I started this journey. Since I felt focused. Motivated.

I’ve made a lot of excuses. I started dating. I ate. I felt vulnerable. I ate. My dad died. I ate. I got married. I ate. I couldn’t get pregnant. I ate.

And ate.

And ate.

At my lowest, I lost 130 pounds. Now I’m hovering around 55 pounds lost. But let’s be real. That’s about 75 pounds gained.

I’ve not blogged in a long time. Part of it was depression. But a bigger part of it was shame. Failure is a tough thing when you’ve been called an inspiration. I was always uncomfortable with that word—but I can admit that I was flattered by it, too. So it hurt to face you guys. It has hurt to face a lot of people. I still meet people who say “Oh, you used to write a blog!” Yes, I used to. Yes, I sort of still do. Yes, I used to be that girl.

But in my heart, I know “that girl” is still me—somewhere deep inside. And I think I’ve finally started to uncover her once again.

I had a moment about a month ago. I was in a workout class (yep, I still actually do those) and had, what seems, a million overwhelming feelings. I felt worthless. Useless. Insignificant. Unhealthy. Do I matter at work? Do I matter in this world that feels like it’s falling apart? Do I matter if I can’t have a baby and can’t be a mother (please note: this is my personal feeling about my own life—not a judgment at ALL about women who choose not to have children)? Do I matter when I’m back to being that obese girl staring back at me in the gym mirror?

And then I felt it—an epiphany.

What is the one thing I could control--of all those things that were figuratively (and literally) weighing on me?

My health.

So I have. I started that next morning. I’ve gone back to Weight Watchers in a near-obsessive fashion. I’m tracking my points like a boss. I’m clinging to that feeling of control that I’d lost for so long. I’m more focused than I’ve been maybe since the early days of my blog. I’m down 10 pounds and I have no intention of stopping.

I know it may be hard for y’all to trust that—to trust me. I’ve claimed new beginnings a hundred times. But in my heart of hearts, I feel like this is my last chance. And I just can’t squander that again.

I’m working to create some more content for this site, and I hope you’ll come with me. After all, we need each other, right? 

Much love to you, always. And remember—you are worthy. And so am I.

P.S. Thanks to Counting Crows for this blog's title. 


Anonymous said...

No worries Erika, we've all had 100 new beginnings and keep looking to more. You're not in this alone.

Leslie Pistone said...

You are not your weight loss...or gain. I love reading what you have to say because I love the way you say it, and any motivation I've ever gotten from it is just a bonus. You're amazing and I've thought that at whatever weight you've ever been. Losing weight can be a good thing but I've seen so many people affected (me included) by the darkness that can come with it--by the part of the weight loss that makes you feel like THAT is what makes you worthy. At my heaviest I had to look for other things to feel good about, but when I lost a bunch of weight it's like I forgot those things and being the size I was turned into the only thing I liked about myself. And then gaining it's tough. I get it. And that's not to say that weight loss is a bad thing, but I know for me I have to be very careful to do it in a positive health centered way or it can turn into a darkness into my life instead of a light. Anyway, I love you and think you are amazing and I will always be cheering you on in whatever journey you are on...weight loss, self acceptance, happiness...whatever it is that you need for yourself. Much love. Leslie Pistone xoxo

Unknown said...

This will be a lifelong process. You're up for it.

Terri L'Hoste said...

Someone once sent me this quote: "I am more than a number. This does not define me. I am beautiful no matter what. This is my numerical relationship with gravity. Nothing else."

I read it now and then when I become too obsessed with my perceived failures. We need to know that we aren't alone in stopping and starting. I don't want to feel like I'm the only one who has all of this great momentum and then loses it all and eats every emotion that comes up. I still look up to you and think you are an inspiration because you haven't given up!