Friday, May 7, 2010

True confessions

When I first started this blog, I told you I wouldn’t always be perfect. But I did promise I’d always be honest.

So I’m writing today with a confession. Wednesday night, I had a big moment of weakness. And in that moment, I resorted back to my old ways and turned to food. It was the first time in months.

As I wrote to you earlier in the week, I had a photo shoot. I can’t pinpoint exactly why it made me so incredibly uncomfortable, but it did. I share pretty openly with you guys every week, but this took it to an entire new level. And it freaked me out.

Let me be clear. The photographer, his assistants and all the people involved were wonderful. It went very smoothly. But for some reason it left me feeling vulnerable in a way I haven’t felt in a long time.

I talked to some friends last night who reminded me that as I go through this weight loss process, I’m shedding layers of myself. Not just physically, but emotionally, too. As these layers are peeled back, I’m going to hit new spots of vulnerability. I have to deal with those as they come. Sometimes I’ll be stronger and other times I’ll be weaker. But I have to forgive myself and move forward.

It seems a strange thing. Those who know me on a more superficial level see me as outgoing, loud and silly, with no problems being the center of attention. But those who know me best know I’m only comfortable as the center of attention when I’m the one in control.

If I’m telling a story or cracking a joke, I’m great in the spotlight. But if I’m getting praise or compliments or if it’s my birthday or something like that, I may be smiling on the outside, but inside, it’s sheer panic.

I think that my weight has shielded me from this for a long time. The extra pounds have, quite literally, built a wall around me and protected me from really shining. And as I lose some of it, I lose my protective barrier.

Wednesday night after the photo shoot, I drove home and stopped by (what else? Seriously, again with the Chinese?) Panda Express. Remember when I told you guys about the first time I’d overeaten and how uncomfortable I was after eating too much of the Panda? Well, I had essentially the same meal Wednesday night. The difference is that this time, instead of being motivated by hunger like I was the first time, I was motivated by emotions. And rather than stop myself, I let myself give into it.

I have to put this in the past. I have to look at how far I’ve come. I know that a few months ago, that would barely have scratched the surface of a normal binge. And most importantly, I NEVER would have talked about it. To anyone. That, to me, is progress.

This blog is sacred to me. It’s given me a new hope for my life. It’s shown me that I don’t have to live in fear or shame anymore. I can share what used to be my deepest secrets and I only receive encouragement in return. And because of that, I know that no matter if I have a binge episode here or there, nothing will derail me from being the person I’m truly meant to be.


Anonymous said...

I think it takes a Wednesday to see how far you've come. You're Supergirl...but not perfect. And while that night may feel like a big red "x," it probably is going to do you more good than you think.

You're doing great. Be proud of yourself. : )

Anonymous said...

I just want to give you a big hug. I am also doing Weight Watchers and I too have those moments. You are doing fabulous. You I want you to know that I love you blog. It has helped me so much in my moments of weaknesses. Thanks a million!!!

Nancy said...

Losing weight has it's ups and downs and if you can get through the downs (and I know you will) then you'll do fantastic. You've been doing so great so far you were bound to have a relapse, but if you can recover from that you'll just come out stronger. Love you girl!

Tiffany said...

You're doing something that I've struggled with myself - reigning the binge in to just one episode instead of letting it go on for days, weeks, or even months. I think that is a mighty big step and something you should be really proud of!

CD said...

Thank you for your amazing honesty - what an interesting parallel - shedding pounds is shedding a layer of protection - you have such insight into yourself- and I hope that you have come to realize through this process how strong you really are - you have put yourself out there openly for all the world to see your raw emotions - and that takes serious GUTS! You are a strong woman and you are getting stronger by the day. If it were all successes and triumphs along the way, I feel we wouldn't learn much - it's the times when we overcome adversity and slip-ups that we REALLY learn and grow. Keep up the good work and thanks for sharing!

Leanne said...

Love this part....."This blog is sacred to me. It’s given me a new hope for my life. It’s shown me that I don’t have to live in fear or shame anymore."

I cried when I read it.

Love you, girl! You have given me hope that I needed for my life.
- Leanne

Anonymous said...


I have about 60 or so pounds to lose, and I'm having trouble getting motivated to change my ways. Every single Monday I start my "diet." Some weeks I make it until Wednesday or Thursday before I 'mess up' and then say the heck with it. Some weeks I make it to the weekend, where something derails me. Some weeks, like this week, I dind't make it past Monday lunch before I had derailed.

The difference between you and I is is that you recognize it when you have an off moment, you're aware of it, and you stop it, and you don't let it ruin your progress. I can't stress enough what a big step that is!!! That is SUCH a big deal!

I'm struggling with why I let one bad choice or one bad meal take me off course until the following Monday.

I'm also not sure where my motivation is, or where I can find it. One friend told me I need to hit rock bottom before I will change. I'm not sure what that looks like, but do I really want to go there? Ummm, no.

The good news for you is that you are learning so much about yourself and how to break old habits. I hope that I can learn from you so that I can be on this journey with you. I'm still trying to figure out how to get started :-)

You rock! Keep on keepin on!

Kellynn18 said...

You really are so inspirational. There are a lot of people who go through the same experiences and emotions and never tell anyone. I'm glad you are proud of how far you have come. Relapses certainly do happen, and they are difficult to get over, but you can do it. You have shown that already! I love your blog...keep up the good work!

Anonymous said...

Hey Erika,
First of all I want to thank you for sharing your journey. I realize you have all ready been told that you are brave enough to share what so many of us want to say.
I was once told we are only as sick as our secrets. Your ability to openly share indicates your movement to an inner peace. Peace that means, nothing missing, nothing broken, complete wholeness.
Stay strong and continue to reaquaint your self with food as sustinance.
You have encouraged me by so eloquently articulating your journey.

Anonymous said...

This post was so meaningful to me. There have been days I could have written it myself. You really a courageous to put yourself out there in such a raw and vulnerable way. I don't know how to say how impressed I am and even though I don't know you personally, I am proud of you.

Anonymous said...

I congratulate you on your honesty with us-but am surprised at the lack of honesty from those posting! why will no-one say: Again with the chinese is right, nothing has changed. And put it in the past-no face it head on and remind yourself again and again so you dont feel that way again. Binge on good things and CHANGE, if you feel vunerable do something to MAKE you feel GOOD, you should have already learned from last time about the chinese-CHANGE the habit. Best of luck, there will be bumps-just make sure they're not the SAME bumps

Anonymous said...


I know how difficult it has been to write this blog, to open yourself up to the world, divulging your short comings and momentary lapses. I have never had the courage to do what you are doing! For those that are reading your blog and feel that they are "above the occasional binge" should be more honest with themselves. We all have our weaknesses whether it happens to be food, alcohol, smoking, drugs, sex, infidelity (I am sure I've left out many bad habits), we all make mistakes and have to forgive ourselves and begin moving forward again.

We are so encouraged by your quest and pray that success will be yours!

Anonymous said...

erika this is awesome! i totally agree with the comments on here about the incredible insight that you're gaining from this newa and growing self awareness. And while obviously, binging is best to be avoided...i recall this as the second confession in how many months?! that's awesome. countless others, me included, sure can't say that about myself on a regular basis! That's taken a lot of committment and willpower. great job.
to offer my perspective on that lure of chinese take-out, i honestly don't see that as a fall or a 'down' among the ups. It happened and will creep up at some other moment. To me, that was certainly no failure. You're human and you gave in, but applaud yourself for the recognition and what you learned about yourself through that. I'm inspired.
<3 abo