True confessions

When I first started this blog, I told you I wouldn’t always be perfect. But I did promise I’d always be honest.

So I’m writing today with a confession. Wednesday night, I had a big moment of weakness. And in that moment, I resorted back to my old ways and turned to food. It was the first time in months.

As I wrote to you earlier in the week, I had a photo shoot. I can’t pinpoint exactly why it made me so incredibly uncomfortable, but it did. I share pretty openly with you guys every week, but this took it to an entire new level. And it freaked me out.

Let me be clear. The photographer, his assistants and all the people involved were wonderful. It went very smoothly. But for some reason it left me feeling vulnerable in a way I haven’t felt in a long time.

I talked to some friends last night who reminded me that as I go through this weight loss process, I’m shedding layers of myself. Not just physically, but emotionally, too. As these layers are peeled back, I’m going to hit new spots of vulnerability. I have to deal with those as they come. Sometimes I’ll be stronger and other times I’ll be weaker. But I have to forgive myself and move forward.

It seems a strange thing. Those who know me on a more superficial level see me as outgoing, loud and silly, with no problems being the center of attention. But those who know me best know I’m only comfortable as the center of attention when I’m the one in control.

If I’m telling a story or cracking a joke, I’m great in the spotlight. But if I’m getting praise or compliments or if it’s my birthday or something like that, I may be smiling on the outside, but inside, it’s sheer panic.

I think that my weight has shielded me from this for a long time. The extra pounds have, quite literally, built a wall around me and protected me from really shining. And as I lose some of it, I lose my protective barrier.

Wednesday night after the photo shoot, I drove home and stopped by (what else? Seriously, again with the Chinese?) Panda Express. Remember when I told you guys about the first time I’d overeaten and how uncomfortable I was after eating too much of the Panda? Well, I had essentially the same meal Wednesday night. The difference is that this time, instead of being motivated by hunger like I was the first time, I was motivated by emotions. And rather than stop myself, I let myself give into it.

I have to put this in the past. I have to look at how far I’ve come. I know that a few months ago, that would barely have scratched the surface of a normal binge. And most importantly, I NEVER would have talked about it. To anyone. That, to me, is progress.

This blog is sacred to me. It’s given me a new hope for my life. It’s shown me that I don’t have to live in fear or shame anymore. I can share what used to be my deepest secrets and I only receive encouragement in return. And because of that, I know that no matter if I have a binge episode here or there, nothing will derail me from being the person I’m truly meant to be.