Friday, August 6, 2010

Hard, but not complicated

Yesterday I felt like I was assaulted by billboards advertising things I used to eat.

It seemed every sign I saw was for a place I used to frequent on a regular basis. It was as if the top of the billboard had my name in blinking lights. Then I had a weird thought pop into my head.

For a minute, I missed the person I used to be. But that’s crazy, right?

The person I used to be was so trapped. My prison was made up of food used to fight the emotions I didn’t want to face. The person I used to be was hopeless and depressed. Angry and bitter.

So why would I miss her? It was a thought that hit me like a freight train because it was so ridiculous. But part of me missed the not caring. I missed the comfort I used to get from my binges. I missed the misery.

And I’m not sure why. Sometimes I think getting healthy is a lot harder than just letting myself go like I did for years. It’s hard to go to the gym. It’s hard to cook something nutritious, rather than swing through McDonald’s.

But is it? Was it easier to avoid my friends and family because I was so ashamed? Was it easier to be so numb to what I was feeling that I sometimes missed even the joy in life? Was it easier to expel so much energy hating myself?

I know the answer is a resounding no. And I also know that these are the mental games I will continue to play, maybe for the rest of my life. Because life was absolutely more difficult last year, when I was huffing and puffing up stairs, avoiding friends and family and stuffing my feelings with fatty foods.

Taking these steps to a healthier life is not hard. It may be difficult at times, but it isn’t complicated. It’s simply about taking them one at a time.

Have a wonderful weekend, everyone. My goal for next week is to update every day. Hold me to it.


Tiffany said...

I love you, you are amazing. And I can relate to a lot of this. Thank you for continuing to be so open about your journey's struggles. Mwah!

Carrie said...

I've been following you, but haven't commented so far. You, Miss Erika, are amazing. I am so proud of you and you have inspired me so much to learn to be healthier for my family. You're going to need a major shopping spree before your cruise- you know us LG girls are always up for enabling!

Anonymous said...

Testify, Girl!

Anonymous said...

Can't wait for the Monday update! How did you do this past weekend?

Anonymous said...

Can't wait for the Monday update! How did you do this past weekend?

Anonymous said...

I LOVE the old you and the new you equally and ALOT! I LIKE the new you better because I know that you are happier, healthier and stronger. I am so proud of you and all of you accomplishments past, present and future!

Love, Beth