Thursday, November 29, 2012

Beating a dead horse

My fat jeans are tight. Monday, I squeezed into a tiny corner in the Zumba studio where I couldn't see the mirror, because I couldn't bear to look at myself. For three days during Thanksgiving, all I did was eat.

I'm in a downward spiral. And it's spinning faster.

My heart isn't in this. My body isn't in this. I'm feeling lethargic, bored, depressed, defeated. And I don't know what to do about it.

The best thing about this whole journey was at the beginning when I really felt the chains of my food addiction begin to loosen. I wasn't losing weight by willpower. I was beating down the walls of shame, anger and self-loathing that I had built for so many years.

But now I feel like I'm doing everything I can to try to rebuild them. I stack a brick, remove it, stack it again, remove it. It's exhausting.

I'm trying to soldier forward. I don't even feel like blogging anymore. It's ridiculous for me to keep coming here and telling you guys how much I'm struggling every single time I write. That's not why you started reading in the first place--and no one likes a broken record.

But so I am. Maybe I need a new goal. Maybe I need a fresh perspective. I just don't know how--or where--to get it.

Thanks for sticking by me. Especially when, quite frankly, I'm just ready to give up on myself.


Angela said...

You can do it, Erika! Holidays are freakin hard, but that was yesterday! Move on and get your groove on!!!

Anonymous said...

Concentrate on the positives. Look where you are today and embrace the success you have earned. Mistakes are going to happen we just need to learn from them and continue moving forward.
Good Luck Girl... You can DO IT..

Anonymous said...

I'm an avid reader, but never comment. I 100% relate to your current situation. I've lost 109lbs with 39 to go and these are the hardest 39lbs of life.

In the beginning it was a game, it was exciting, it was fruitful, my hard work paid off and now it's boring and routine and the same ol' same ol'.

I have essentially gained 10 and lost 10 for what feels like this entire year.

What I have learned is that I am not the same person I was 109 pounds ago - and I'm sure you're not the same person either. I'm learning that my self worth is more than a number on a scale.


Anonymous said...

You blog, but maybe you aren't reaching out to individual friends enough. Friends are distractions and sounding boards and love when you aren't feeling loveable. You can help them with their issues while they are helping you with yours. I will always be happy to walk around the park or go to lunch for a healthy meal any time and I know at least a dozen others who feel the same.
Keep Trying,
~Laura S.

Anonymous said...

Holidays are the enemies (food) strongest times.
You need a new GOAL-weight/race/event something to focus on.
You might need counseling at this point-you are NOT the person you used to be.
You might need medication, your body has changed but your mind hasn't.
It never ends. The best part: it is who you are, not who you were.

Anonymous said...

I agree that you are not the same person that you were when you began this journey. You overcame certain issues then, and although your defense of turning to food is the same, likely the issues causing this reaction are different. Don't give up!! The holidays are difficult for anyone. Maybe try changing up the goals - instead of putting a weight loss number for your goal, maybe make a goal on how many times a week you want to work out, or how many times a week you are going to cook a healthy meal rather than eat out? And get a buddy to walk with/workout with/come over and eat dinner with you - not only do you have to commit your healthy goals with someone else but sometimes you just need to talk through things to get to the root of the problem. YOU CAN DO IT!!

Anonymous said...

I read one of your earlier blogs where you compared where you were when you first started on your journey to the point where you are now. You certainly have come a long way!!! Don't let a temporary setback break your spirit. You have accomplished MUCH. You may not feel like you have accomplished much between Thanksgiving and now, but remember where you started!!!! And look at you now. You rock, girl...

cd said...

Keep your long term goal in sight and break it down into smaller goals - then ask yourself, 'what can I do TODAY' to get closer to that goal... The days will keep passing - make the most of each one. It's okay and totally normal to struggle - and totally AMAZING and WONDERFUL that you're so open about it. Stay the course - if you veer off a little bit, just steer yourself back to the path. You can do this! YOu are AMAZING!