The power of vulnerability

I don’t often reread my blogs. But I recently decided to go back and read from the beginning. It was a strange experience.

In some ways, I don’t even recognize that person. I was so unsure of myself. So scared about what I was doing. But I also was so raw and honest that now reading them and knowing how many others of you have read them makes me cringe a little bit.

I don’t regret anything I’ve written (though I still think of deleting the eating-out-of-the-trashcan entry), because I truly believe every word has gotten me to where I am today.

Still, it’s almost an out-of-body experience to read them. To see the pictures. To remember the struggles. I was determined then, but I was still so worried about disappointing people. Disappointing myself.

When new people come into my life, I have to make a decision when (or if) I tell them about my last two years. And then I have to make another decision—am I proud? Or am I embarrassed?

Depending upon the person, I sometimes hover between the two. Sure, I realize I’ve accomplished something. But I also can’t help but sometimes feel embarrassed about the fact that I had to accomplish so much. It’s a constant battle for me—shame versus pride.

And sometimes I also kind of like knowing I have this secret. If I meet someone new and don’t really care whether or not that person stays in my life? I can just be Erika as I am now. If I choose to let you in, though, and tell you about Erika as I am now, but also Erika as I was and am becoming, that means you’re special.

Though it makes me vulnerable to share my story, it also makes me a little bit powerful. Maybe one day, I’ll be comfortable being both.

Shopper's delight

When I was very young, nothing made me happier than going shopping with my grandmother. When she would visit, I’d immediately say, “Let’s go hopping, Grandma!”

I still love hopping. But for the past decade or so, I’ve focused my retail therapy on stuff that I didn’t have to worry about fitting—food, accessories, shoes and lots of makeup.

Clothes, however, are a different story.

As a plus-size girl, I had very limited options. Let’s say I had a wedding to go to. I’d look online. I’d go to the mall. I’d hit the plus department at Macy’s. Walk out and go to Lane Bryant. Maybe the Avenue or Ashley Stewart. And if I didn’t find anything? I really didn’t have any other options.

I’m officially too small for those plus-size stores now (whee!). That should make me happy. It does, but it’s also totally overwhelming.

Now when I walk into the mall, there are so many choices. Whereas I had probably four options before, I now have hundreds. It’s strange. It’s almost like I have to relearn how to shop. But practice makes perfect, right?

Sometimes I wish Clinton and Stacy from TLC’s What Not to Wear would sweep in and teach me the rules. For the longest time, I just bought what would fit. Now I have to figure out if something actually looks good. I’ve realized I have no idea how to tell anymore.

Does this make me sound like I’m complaining? It’s not meant to. I have shed many a tear in a dressing room in the past several years. But last week, I did a happy dance—literally—when I fit into a size I never thought I’d see again. This is good stuff. I just feel a little bit like a baby foal finding its legs.

I’m totally willing to put in the practice hours. Anyone want to do a shopping workout with me? I envision an ‘80s-themed makeover montage, followed by us walking slowly down a staircase while everyone oohs and ahhs.

It could happen.

The metrics system

Today, I attended the annual Health Risk Assessment Screening. Those of you who are longtime readers might recall in my very first blog I wrote about skipping the wellness fair out of humiliation.

I went last year, several pounds down from the year before. And I saved that piece of paper with my results. I remember I used to cut the size tags out of clothing so no one (including me) could ever see them. I would never have kept a sheet with all my numbers on it. I’m so glad I did.

From last year:

Weight: 50.4 pounds lighter

Total cholesterol: Down 4 points

Cholesterol/HDL ratio: Down 2 points (and into healthy range)

BMI (this one’s my favorite): Down 8 points

I have a way to go until everything is in a healthy range. But man, it’s good to know I’m on the right track. I can’t wait to see those numbers next year.

1 + .8 = Bah

I have to admit, I’ve gotten a little off track. No, I haven’t gained weight—well, not really, but I have gotten a little complacent.

Here’s how I know. This week, I lost 1.8 pounds. Last week, I gained 1.8 pounds. The week before? I lost, yep, 1.8 pounds. That 1.8 and I are not BFFs. I’m tired of it going away and coming back.

So what is it that’s gotten me in this cycle? I can blame it on my extreme busy-ness. I can blame it on traveling. I can blame it on the heat. I can blame it on the rain (sorry). But really, the blame should be with me, and me only.

In July, I was busy. I was traveling. I was hot. But that shouldn’t excuse me from making better choices. I’m taking this opportunity for a new month to start a renewed vigor with my plan. I will track my food. I will get in my workouts. And I will make my next goal.

I could use some inspiration, though. Does anyone have anything for me? New snacks? Quick recipes? I’ve been especially craving seafood, so I could use some new ways to make it.

Go ahead, blow my mind with your ideas. I’m waiting.

The match game

Since I’ve been writing this blog, one thing has been said to me repeatedly: you’re so open and honest.

But—to be honest—there’s one thing I’ve held out on discussing.

Dating.

Even now, I’m cringing a bit to think of talking about it to you guys. Still, I think it’s something I need to talk about.

Dating totally freaks me out. Totally. How can I be in my mid- (OK, lateish) 30s and afraid to date? The answer, I think, is that I’m just out of practice. Which seems completely embarrassing.

For the past several years, food was my significant other. Who needs a boyfriend when you’re stuffing your face with mashed potatoes and frozen pizza? As I ate, I built a literal wall with my body that kept people out and kept me from getting hurt.

I’m one of the last of my friends to get married. I’m a professional bridesmaid. A committed godmother and a happy “aunt” to my friends’ kids. But I want that for myself. And I’m not getting any younger.

When I started losing weight, I told myself I would attempt dating when I got to a certain weight. Yeah, I passed that about 25 pounds ago. Tick tock.

With dating, much like my weight loss, I’ve spent most of my life waiting for something to happen to me, rather than trying to make it happen myself. Waiting for my weight to drop. Waiting for the perfect guy to sweep me off my feet.

I learned, though, that much like the Good Witch told Dorothy, I had the power to change my life all along. It has changed. But I’m not as confident about finding someone with whom to share it.

How do you explain to someone that the reason you haven’t dated in so long is because you were too busy wallowing in the middle of a food addiction? (Don’t worry, I wouldn’t actually say that.)

Then there are the normal fears. If I do the online dating thing and then meet people in person, will I be pretty enough? Good enough? I wish I could start thinking of this in terms of it being my choice. But I spent so much time in the depths of self-despair, it’s still hard for me to think of myself as worthy. I guess that’s where I need to start.

I may or may not keep you guys posted on this. This is a tough (REALLY) tough subject for me to tackle, but I am trying to work through it.

You guys just cross your fingers for me, OK?

Raindrops on roses, whiskers on kittens, etc.

It’s time for another installment of Erika’s favorites! Aren’t you super excited? Here are just a few things I’ve been loving lately.

Just FYI, the packaging has changed a bit.

Van Egg Rolls

I had forgotten how much I love these yummy egg rolls. They are really low in fat (and WW points, for my fellow ridders-of-weight) and they’re delicious. I’ve found them in Kroger and Walmart (in both stores, they’re near the premade foods in the deli section). The low-fat veggie and low-fat shrimp are the lowest in calories and points—and best of all? They’re huge!

 

Hebrew National 97 Percent Fat-free Beef Franks

There’s just something about summer that makes me crave hot dogs. You’ll certainly never find me at a Braves game without one. I mean, I’m an American girl, through and through. That’s why I love these yummy dogs. They’re fantastic. And they don’t even taste low-fat. Best of all, when it comes to nutritional info, they’re doggone (too much?) awesome. Only 40 calories per serving. And only 1 measly WW Point Plus. Yum. I like to eat them either without a bun, or on one of my favorite Ole tortillas.

Weight Watchers Smart Ones Pepperoni Pizza Minis

My friend Leslie turned me onto these. Each box comes with two servings, which is four mini-pizzas. They are so tasty—they remind me a little of school cafeteria pizzas (am I the only who loved those?) and I love getting four at a time. I’m never without these. They can be a little tough to find, so check different stores.

Marketside Three-Olive Hummus

I’ve often sung of my love for hummus. But I have officially found my favorite. Walmart’s store brand, Marketside, makes this fantastic Three-Olive Hummus. It’s rich, yet healthy, and even has little bits of olives in it. Yum.

Grilled veggies

While I can barely keep anything alive, I am lucky to have friends with incredibly green thumbs. Two in particular, my college roommate, Lange, and my coworker, Brant, have both gifted me with zucchini and squash. Usually with such vegetables, I roast them at a high temperature with some olive oil and salt and pepper. Well, this is Atlanta, and with a heat index of more than 100 degrees, the last thing I want to do is crank my oven to 400 degrees. So I’ve busted out my George Forman grill for some veggie delights. I brush on some olive oil, a little garlic, and kosher salt and pepper onto slices and put them on the grill for a few minutes. They’re perfect. I’ve eaten grilled zucchini and squash for the past few nights and I’ve yet to tire of it.

Peaches

The peaches this summer have been so good. I can’t get enough of them. They’re a perfect afternoon snack.

Fill me in: What are you loving lately?

Red, white and free

I hate putting away clothes. It’s always been my least favorite chore.

I can remember my mom would leave my laundry on my bed (so spoiled) for me to put away. I didn’t even have to wash my own clothes, yet I’d still whine about the hardships of putting things on hangers and in drawers.

Though I do my own laundry now, the amount of complaining I do about putting away my clothes hasn’t changed all that much. I still hate it.

But lately, putting away clothes hasn’t just been a bothersome task. It’s been almost impossible.

Since I started losing weight, I’ve gone down more than five sizes. And when you add the new clothes I’ve bought into the mix, well, let’s just say my closet and drawers are overloaded.

So what better time to purge my old stuff than Independence Day weekend? I’ve been thinking about it a lot, but Sunday morning, I got up and just started throwing stuff into bags. I stopped thinking sentimentally and started thinking practically. Sure, that dress was super cute, and I wore it to some memorable events, but it’s a size 24. I’m never going back there.

Toss.

It went surprisingly quickly. And with each item that went into the trash bag, I cleared out a little more space—in my closet and in my life.

In all, I filled six huge trash bags with clothes that no longer fit. And just to ensure I wouldn’t keep them, I drove them straight to my local Goodwill.

See ya never, old life.

It’s amazing how much better I feel now that there is room for my new stuff. Out with the old, in with the new, they say. It's how I'm trying to live my life, too.

Independence Day, indeed.