Previews and photos

Hi. I know. Not a single post all week. And I know I've posted a few "woe is me" entries in a row, so I don't want you guys to think I'm standing on a ledge somewhere. Yes, I'm still in a bit of a funk, but overall I'm feeling much better. In fact, this morning, I blasted my theme song and danced in my car on the way to work. Thanks Mary J. Blige.

Next week, I will be sure to post more. Look for the following topics:

• Reset button
• My week of food
• All or nothing

I did promise Fridays of photos, so here are a couple. I went to Jacksonville last weekend to visit some dear friends for their birthday (They're twins...yay!). My friend, Tina, who is a fabulous photographer, took this shot, which I like because I look like my mom.

And another one. For Boss' Day, the Editorial Team gave our boss, Paul Parson, a digital frame filled with photos of us holding signs about him and just being generally silly. Here was one of my contributions:

 Happy Friday, all. Have a wonderful weekend!

Inadequacies ahoy

It’s been a long time since I’ve considered writing a blog that doesn’t tell the whole truth. I could tell you how great I’m doing. I could tell you how awesome my workouts have been. I could tell you that I’m basking in sunshine and glitter and baskets of kittens.

But I’d be lying.

The real truth is that I’m struggling. Big time. And I hate to have to tell you that. But I wouldn’t have gotten this far if I hadn’t been totally honest with you. So here goes.

Last week I told you about seeing the ghost of my former self everywhere I look. She’s continuing to haunt me. And lately I just haven’t been able to shake the mean reds, as Holly Golightly would say.

I hate writing entries like this. I always debate how much to share and how much to keep to myself. But if I’ve learned nothing else from this journey, it’s that sharing is what has truly saved my life. So share I will.

A couple of weeks ago, I was crying myself to sleep for what seemed like the billionth time. What was wrong with me? Why was I so sad? Then—maybe I was praying out loud, maybe just talking to myself—I said the words that hit the nail on the head:

“I just feel so unlovable.”

And right there, that’s what this is all about. Not just my sads of the moment, but the ones that have clouded me for most of my life. The ones that began my issues with food in the first place. I’m not just talking about romantic love, either.

I grew up in a great family and was deeply loved by both of my parents. I always knew that. But somewhere along the way, for some reason, I began to think myself unworthy of love or affection. I felt like I didn’t deserve good things to happen to me. And I guess that hasn’t changed.

See, as I’ve lost weight, I’ve had little epiphanies along the way. Most of them I’ve shared with you. But I think this is the biggest—the one that started everything. Maybe when I get through this, I’ll be able to fully succeed.

One of my favorite quotes, often attributed to Nelson Mandela, is actually by a writer named Marianne Williamson. You’ve probably read it before:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

This really rings true to me right now. Am I afraid of succeeding? Am I afraid to really shine?

Two years ago, I was so miserable. I felt absolutely unlovable then. Who could love someone like me? To think that I would ever be at the place I am now—just 40 or so pounds away from my goal weight—was unthinkable.

And today, here I am. 127 pounds less than that other girl. Yet, still struggling with those same feelings of unworthiness. What happens when I hit that ultimate goal? When I really succeed? What happens when I feel rejected or lonely? I won’t be able to blame it on my body anymore. And maybe that’s what scares me.

Today I stepped on the scale at Weight Watchers and it showed a gain for the second week in a row. It’s not a major gain--.6 last week and .4 today. But it’s a gain. It made me realize I needed to talk about the place where I am. To be honest with you—and most of all with myself.

I know I’m loved. I have a wonderful family, fantastic friends and amazing co-workers—all of whom remind me of the good things about me every day.

I just have to start believing them.

Ghost story

I think I’m being haunted.

Seriously. For the past few weeks, I’ve been seeing a ghost. Her:

December 2009

I’m not sure where she came from, but she’s been persistent. And she’s been staring back at me from the mirror.

I’ve shown this picture to people who didn’t know me when I was at my heaviest. People have expressed disbelief that it’s really me. I look at the picture and don’t know how they can’t see me immediately.

Because sometimes—like recently—she’s all I can see.

I’m not sure why my old self has been haunting me so much lately. Perhaps it is because I’m so close to my end goal. Maybe it’s because I’ve been dating, which already brings up so many insecurities. Maybe it’s because there are honestly some days where I can only see how far I’ve got to go, rather than how far I’ve come.

I don’t know the answer. But I’m over it. Why can’t I just see myself for who I am? Will I ever be able to do that? Or will 300-plus-pound Erika always be mocking me?

My only thought is that I hated that Erika. I hated her body. I hated her emotional weaknesses. I hated her dependence on food. Her laziness. Her hopelessness.

And maybe that’s where my answer is. Perhaps I need to remember what it was like to be that girl, and instead of seeing myself through eyes of self-loathing, I need to look through eyes of compassion. I need to accept the old me in order to love the new me.

Easier said than done. But the old me who was so paralyzed by an eating disorder was in pain. Food helped me cope. It helped me get through some of the hardest times of my life—my mom’s death, a great heartbreak, family crises and other losses. Maybe I should try to be grateful that I got through those things at all—that I got to the other side.

All I know is that I don’t think I’ll ever be able to fully love myself as I am now unless I love myself as I was then. Until then, I’m pretty sure this ghost will continue to haunt me.

And to be honest, I really need her to give me some peace.

Photo Phriday

I know how much you guys like photos, so I thought I would try something new. Every Friday, I'll post a picture (or two or three). Today's photo is from the CURE Childhood Cancer Quiet Heroes Luncheon last Saturday. My friend Jenny Wilkins is one of the strongest women I know. I first met her and her precious daughter Catie at the Ronald McDonald House while Catie was being treated for medulloblastoma at Children's. Though sweet Catie lost her battle in 2007 at the age of 4, Jenny continues to fight. It was so good to see her.

Erika and Jenny Wilkins Sept. 24, 2011

Sweat a cold, starve a fever?

Boy, have I been grumpy.

Last week, I felt a cold coming on. And I did what the old Erika never would have done:

I decided to try to sweat it out.

Let’s just say that was a big, fat fail.

Last Tuesday night, my throat started feeling scratchy. But Wednesday I did a hard cardio class thinking it would be good for me. Thursday I felt worse. Again, I thought a good workout would help. It didn’t.

By Friday, I was coughing and achy and overall miserable. I spent most of the weekend on the couch, whiny and feeling sorry for myself (this seems to be a theme lately).

This cold took a hold of me. It must have really loved me, because it didn’t want to let me go. So before last night, I hadn’t worked out since last Thursday. And I really felt it.

It’s funny. I didn’t gain any weight. My clothes weren’t tighter. But without the scale, I would have told you I’d gained 10 pounds. I just felt so gross from the lack of activity.

Not only that, but it’s made me realize how much I need my workouts to balance me emotionally. I’ve had a few major crying sessions this week, mostly because I haven’t had my physical release to help with stress.

Last night, I ventured back to my intense zumba class near my home. I felt loads better. So much better, I went again today at 6 a.m., despite staying up late last night to watch my Braves (sniff!) lose in extra innings.

It was just another realization to me of how much I’ve changed. Old Erika would have kind of welcomed a cold—it would be an excuse to wallow on my couch and eat. New Erika? Thought she could work out to overcome it and was sad when it wasn’t so successful.

I’m on the mend and back to my schedule now. And I’m pretty sure all my friends and family are super glad I’ve got my stress reliever back (Sorry, y’all. But thanks for listening…really).

Now you tell me: How does exercise help you beyond just the physical benefits?

Things I heart

It’s time for a favorites post. Yay! Here are a few things I’m loving lately.

Retail therapy

Fall is here (thank goodness) and I was in serious need of new clothes. Not one thing fits me from last year, so I needed to shop. And shop I have. Plus, for the first time in as long as I can remember, I have really enjoyed myself. Buying size 12s is a lot nicer than buying size 24s, I can tell you. I’ve spent a lot of time (and money) in Loft. Such cute stuff there that can really go from work to weekends. I also bought a few things from New York and Company. When the woman asked me for my email address to put me into the system, she was surprised to find I wasn’t already in there. Of course, what she didn’t know is that I haven’t been able to fit into clothes in that store in like 10 years.

Oh, and I also made the ultimate in retail therapy purchases—a new car. Isn’t she pretty?

Rediscovering my cooking mojo

I had once again been slacking in going to the grocery store and making healthy food. I’d been relying on going out to eat, which of course costs money and calories. So, I’ve been really trying to get back into cooking. My plan of attack before heading to the grocery store is to plan at least two recipes to make each week. Skinnytaste is still my absolute favorite go-to website for healthy recipes. This week, I made Chicken rollatini stuffed with zucchini and mozzarella and Pork chops with dijon herb sauce.

Fish

I have always been a fan of seafood, but am not always great about cooking it for myself. I’ve discovered individually frozen tilapia that makes everything so much easier. You can defrost them in no time (if I forget to take them out to defrost, I just put them in cold water and they’re ready to go in 5 to 10 minutes) and cook them even quicker. My favorite recipe (again from the awesome Gina) is this one. So fast, easy and healthy.

Men’s undershirts

This is a bit of a weird thing to love, right? But these shirts are part of my workout essentials. I like to layer when I work out, especially since I’m such a sweaty Betty. My typical gym uniform is workout pants, an undershirt and a tank top over it. I like that they’re long enough that they stick out a little from my tanks, and they provide a nice foundation for my outfit. Plus, they’re fairly cheap and come in packs. What’s not to love?

You guys

I’ve been a little down lately, and admittedly, not feeling super great about myself (look for this in a future blog), but you guys have boosted me and affirmed me so much lately. Though the attention sometimes makes me uncomfortable, I really am grateful that so many of you come up to me, almost on a daily basis, to comment about how I look or how I’m doing. Few things can boost a girl’s confidence than hearing “You’re looking good!” Y’all will never know how much I cherish and need that—some days more than others.

The patriarch

Happy Wednesday, everyone. I am back from vacation, during which I spent some time with my grandfather in Florida and then came home and got some things done around here. It was nice to have a break.

My sister-in-law, Beth, and I out for a walk/run in Florida.

I know I have mentioned before that my relationship with my much-beloved grandfather has, at times, taken on a negative aspect because of my weight. He’s been tough on me about my size, and, at one point, offered to give me $5 for every pound I lost.

When I first started my weight loss, I told him I’d take him up on that offer. He decided our deal would end when I lost 50 pounds (perhaps he didn’t think I would actually succeed? He’d owe me big if he had kept it up the whole time).

My grandfather struggled with his own weight most of his life. So, for most of mine, he’s told me what a pretty face I have. And if I just lost weight, maybe I’d have a boyfriend. Sigh. I know he means well, and I know he loves me. But those words were hurtful at times.

I hadn’t seen him in 124 pounds. And I was a little nervous. I’ve kept him posted on my progress. I’ve sent him pictures. But I was still worried I wouldn’t be good enough for him.

When I first saw him, though, he couldn’t have been more excited to see my progress. He told me dozens of times how good I look. I guess I made him proud after all.

He even gave me money to go shopping. I used it to buy a pair of size 12 (!) pants.

Thanks, Grandpa.