Thursday, October 14, 2010

It's not you, it's me

I’m going through a breakup. And unfortunately, my exes (yes, exes plural) have kind of become stalkers.

Just last week, I got an e-mail. I’ve also gotten stuff in the mail. It’s bordering on harassment. When I ended the relationship, I meant it.

It’s funny. It turns out that if you’re a really good customer and then suddenly stop your patronage, eating establishments miss you.

No, really. I got an e-mail from Domino’s Pizza that actually said, “We miss you.”

Same thing with Zifty.com, a lovely delivery service that will bring your heart’s content from local restaurants right to your door. They sent me an e-mail begging for me to return to my weekly schedule.

These were both exes I really loved. We spent many a lonely Friday night together, comforting each other (or, OK comforting me) with cuddly pepperoni and compassionate Mexican food.

But like all codependent relationships, these had to end. Sure, it hurt my heart a little at first. But I know I’m better off without them.

So, Domino’s, Zifty and all the rest of you, I hate to take the breakup public, but since you’re not getting the message: We’re over. Done. Finished.

*cue Aretha Franklin’s “Respect” as I sassily walk away.

15 comments:

Anonymous said...

There you go, girl!

Anonymous said...

Love it!

Anonymous said...

Good for you! Love this post!

Anonymous said...

Awesome as always! Kick the "ex's" into the "black hole!" (that's where mine always go :) ~Barbara

Kellynn18 said...

That's hilarious! Good for you, Erika! Keep up the good work :)

Anonymous said...

i knew you'd make this blog entry hilarious!!

Although i would have cued Boots are made for walking.

Tssss. Burn.

Sparkly glitter hearts,
Maria

Anonymous said...

I loved this one!!! creative and funny:)

Anonymous said...

Such great writing about your exes. How dare they try to contact you lol?? I loved this blog!! Keep the great work up Erika!!

Anonymous said...

Love your writing/humor! You're fabulous! Keep it up!

Anonymous said...

You had me going for a minute. :-) very, very nice, but very very good point also :-)

Anonymous said...

Erika, you are so witty, funny and down right cute! Love reading your blog!

Anonymous said...

That was hillarious!! Kick'em to the curb girl. They'll be ok, will probably find some other poor soul.
So funny!

Anonymous said...

I love it! It's hard...and when they start sending you those sexy pictures trying to sway you over to the darkside...goodness knows it's even harder then. But stay strong!

Anonymous said...

I love the analogy - the exes - you go girl. Tell them "Love Don't Live Here ANYMORE!

Caryn

Ann Blasick said...

Too funny! You have some fabulous ex's :)