Feelings are hard

This might be one of the most personal blog entries I've ever written. But here goes.

I've been trying for months now to shake it. To try to pretend it wasn't there. But I am sad. Really, deeply, desperately sad. I thought about not writing about this, because I was just trying to avoid it. But it just keeps rearing its ugly head, that sadness.

There are a few things that are causing my sad face. But when it comes down to it, it all boils down to one word:

Regret.

I used to think that it was detrimental to live one's life with regrets. I still think that's true. At the same time, I can't seem to move past mine right now.

I'm sad and angry and scared and hurt about how much of my life I wasted. And every single time I start to talk about it, think about it or even let it cross my mind, I cry. Big, fat tears of regret (even as I type--if this were a letter written with pen and paper, my words would be smeared).

I have all these "what if?" thoughts. There's so much I want in my life. True love. A family. Adventure. Excitement. I can't help thinking that maybe during the almost 10 years I spent numbing myself with food, I missed out on these things. What if I was supposed to meet my soulmate when I was stuffing my face full of frozen pizza? What if the things I want most never happen for me? What if, what if, what if?

I can already envision some of your comments. Rest assured I know what you're thinking. Yes, I'm a different person than I was back then. The person I was wouldn't have been open to love or adventure. I would have ended up with the wrong person, because I was not the person I was meant to be yet, either.

Yes, I've accomplished something. But there's always that voice in the back of my head reminding me what I lost first. With each new relationship disappointment and with every friend I see finding their happily ever after, I become more aware of what I'm missing.

But here's one positive thing I also know. Pain, sadness, fear, anxiety--as much as these feelings hurt, the beauty is that I'm actually feeling them. For years, I numbed myself, never allowing those feelings to really come to the surface. Now, as much as I'd like to numb them, I'm feeling them. I'm working through them. One at a time.

And, I suppose, I really will be OK. For now, though, maybe I just need to grieve a little.

Looking up

Less whining today, for sure!

I've actually followed through (so far) with what I told you I'd do. No Diet Coke. Counting my points. Working hard at boot camp (today, they definitely tried to kill us).

This morning, I stepped on the scale. And it had actually moved! I mean, who'd have thought? You work your program and it actually works.

Duh.

I'm feeling a lot better in general, and very grateful for the constant support of my lovely readers, especially those of you who have reached out to me lately. I'm hanging in there.

Of course, this week was the easy part. This weekend, not so much--I have to tackle the Ronald. I'll let you know next week, with total honesty, how it goes.

A few random things for now:

• I'm seriously obsessed with the beef and Greek yogurt dish. I make it every week. I've started browning onions with the meat, too. I ditched the pita and now just make a big bowl of yumminess with the meat, sauce, reduced-fat feta, tomatoes and spinach.

• My other obsession lately is red seedless grapes with sugar-free Jell-O. I had forgotten about the awesomeness of this treat until I saw my friend Katherine eating them. This is the simplest sweet goodness you'll ever "make." Wash the grapes, and while they're still a little wet, sprinkle a little bit of sugar-free Jell-O powder over them (I bet these would be fabulous frozen, too). Any Jell-O flavor works, but strawberry is my favorite.

• This is day three without Diet Coke. I miss you, old friend. But we really are better apart than together.

• Last weekend, I went tubing in Helen with my friend Carla. We had a blast. It's been years since I went tubing, and for once, I wasn't concerned that the tube couldn't handle my weight. Though I may have missed the extra padding a bit, when my booty smacked against a few of those rocks. Ouch.

• This morning I checked my ActiPed (a fancy-schmance pedometer for all you non-Children's peeps), and I had more than 7,000 steps before 10 a.m. Yay boot camp! 

Have a great weekend, everyone.

Failure is an option?

Today was my first day back to boot camp. Well, technically it was Monday, but I wasn't feeling well and missed day one.

I did...OK today. To be honest, I didn't even lace up my shoes in between my boot camp sessions. I have been slacking. Big time.

In fact, I've been slacking now for a year. And it's time to stop. I'm going to commit myself to this session of boot camp, not just to the exercise part, but the diet part. I'm going to really watch what I eat. Count my Weight Watchers points. Give up Diet Coke (seriously).

I'm kind of over being in this rut. It's summer. Last summer, I weighed the same as I do now. Yet, I felt a little happier. I was moving forward. Now I'm just feeling down and defeated. And that's not how I want to continue my life. I mean, y'all are tired of hearing me whine, no?

I can blame things on my dating life that's not going the way I want. I can blame it on my surgery. The truth, though, is that I am the one who needs to accept responsibility.

So for now, I'm dedicating myself to this next four weeks. Clean living, a more positive outlook. I'm going to try. But I'm kind of sick of failing. So I won't.

At least I hope.