Monday, July 23, 2012

Feelings are hard

This might be one of the most personal blog entries I've ever written. But here goes.

I've been trying for months now to shake it. To try to pretend it wasn't there. But I am sad. Really, deeply, desperately sad. I thought about not writing about this, because I was just trying to avoid it. But it just keeps rearing its ugly head, that sadness.

There are a few things that are causing my sad face. But when it comes down to it, it all boils down to one word:

Regret.

I used to think that it was detrimental to live one's life with regrets. I still think that's true. At the same time, I can't seem to move past mine right now.

I'm sad and angry and scared and hurt about how much of my life I wasted. And every single time I start to talk about it, think about it or even let it cross my mind, I cry. Big, fat tears of regret (even as I type--if this were a letter written with pen and paper, my words would be smeared).

I have all these "what if?" thoughts. There's so much I want in my life. True love. A family. Adventure. Excitement. I can't help thinking that maybe during the almost 10 years I spent numbing myself with food, I missed out on these things. What if I was supposed to meet my soulmate when I was stuffing my face full of frozen pizza? What if the things I want most never happen for me? What if, what if, what if?

I can already envision some of your comments. Rest assured I know what you're thinking. Yes, I'm a different person than I was back then. The person I was wouldn't have been open to love or adventure. I would have ended up with the wrong person, because I was not the person I was meant to be yet, either.

Yes, I've accomplished something. But there's always that voice in the back of my head reminding me what I lost first. With each new relationship disappointment and with every friend I see finding their happily ever after, I become more aware of what I'm missing.

But here's one positive thing I also know. Pain, sadness, fear, anxiety--as much as these feelings hurt, the beauty is that I'm actually feeling them. For years, I numbed myself, never allowing those feelings to really come to the surface. Now, as much as I'd like to numb them, I'm feeling them. I'm working through them. One at a time.

And, I suppose, I really will be OK. For now, though, maybe I just need to grieve a little.



12 comments:

Anonymous said...

i often think...what if my father had not been sexually abused by that priest....then i would have had a real dad...and maybe i wouldnt have been abused by my therapist....maybe i would have had a healthy marriage....maybe i never would have picked up that first drink and almost killed myself in my alcoholism....what if...what if....But i will tell you this, erika. all the pain i have gone thru. all the mistakes i have made. well, its all made me tough as nails. strong as an ox. i know it sounds so cliche and im not gonna give you any lame inspirational quotes. but here's the deal, life is hard as hell. It just is. everyone is hurting and dealing with so much. But think about the good that can come from our pain. I think about what i stood up for..all the other victims out there without a voice. I did that. I took my pain and made it my power. and you are doing the same with this blog. You help people every day. and you wouldnt have helped so many people if you hadnt gone thru the fire yourself. You take this pain, girl and you use it as fuel to light the fire for the rest of your life. the good is coming. it all is. just you wait and see. so grieve as long as you have to but dont you dare give up, my friend. because you have a great life ahead of you, i promise. Love you.

-Katie

Anonymous said...

WOW -- I admire you for putting your true feelings in print! And you are not alone. We all have regrets. Every single person has regrets regardless of their appearance, character, marital status, professional status, etc. But it is what you do to change the situation that counts. You are making HUGE life changes which you should be very proud of! As much as self doubt will always be there, your self confidence will over power it (yeah!). Don't dwell in the past too long -- you have too much living to do!

Anonymous said...

{{{hugs}}}, Erika.

There is nothing wrong with grieving--like you said, you have to really FEEL those feelings before you can work through them. It hurts a lot--like what I'd imagine being cut open without an anesthetic would feel. But then the ugliness can be dealt with and you can heal. At least that's what I tell myself, because I am speaking from personal experience here. You are not alone--and I hope that you can feel the love and support of all of us as you go through this!

Anonymous said...

There is this quote I really appreciate, but it doesn't help me avoid my own regrets.

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.”~Fulton Oursler.

We would all be so much happier if we could just live in the present, but hardly anybody seems to be able to do that, myself included. I hope you can learn how, and then blog about it so that the rest of us can gain some insight.

Nicole said...

I love your words here: "I would have ended up with the wrong person, because I was not the person I was meant to be yet, either."

Regret is such a spirit-sucking thing. It eats away at us. I get overwhelmed with it and beat myself up about the things I did and the pain I caused. I still live fearful I will regret the choices I make now and how I react to things. That's why I love what you wrote - about the person then wouldn't have been the right person. I can't change the things that cause my regret, but I can change how I let it affect me.

I love you, sweet friend. One of my choices - even after the all the choices I made that caused my regrets - brought me to you. I'm so happy for that.

Nicole said...

I love your words here: "I would have ended up with the wrong person, because I was not the person I was meant to be yet, either."

Regret is such a spirit-sucking thing. It eats away at us. I get overwhelmed with it and beat myself up about the things I did and the pain I caused. I still live fearful I will regret the choices I make now and how I react to things. That's why I love what you wrote - about the person then wouldn't have been the right person. I can't change the things that cause my regret, but I can change how I let it affect me.

I love you, sweet friend. One of my choices - even after the all the choices I made that caused my regrets - brought me to you. I'm so happy for that.

Anonymous said...

The process is working...

cd said...

Wow - deeply personal but how incredibly awesome for you to be feeling the things that you buried before - this is the essence of life. Our lives here on earth aren't meant to be perfect - that's what heaven is for!! We are all on a journey and yours is unfolding beautifully - as much as the negative stuff sucks, feeling and experiencing those times and those sad awful feelings is what makes us grow as a person - you're doing awesome - thanks for being so open - you rock!! Hang in there -

Anonymous said...

Hey, are you doing okay? We haven't heard from you in awhile.
Miss you,
Laura S.

Anonymous said...

So proud of you!!!

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