Monday, December 8, 2014

Ghosts of blogging past, present and future

First of all, hi! And a big welcome to all my new followers and readers! I hope you’ll take some time to go back and read some older entries. Through the Facebook page, I’ll post some throwback posts with some of my greatest (or worst) hits. I hope you’ll stay a while.

I spent some time during the weekend rereading old blog entries. And the fear started creeping into my heart. Then the doubt. Then the negativity. First of all, I remembered all the feelings that came with the posts I read—both the successes and the not-so successes. But then I started to worry.

Do I have anything else to say? Am I going to repeat myself? Again with the dang broken record.
Honestly, I probably will repeat myself. Where I am now is somewhere I’ve already been. At least physically. Mentally and emotionally, things are different—and hopefully I can express that. Still, there will probably be many times where things will sound familiar to me and you. I have to just trust that it’s all part of the journey.

Speaking of journeys, let’s start with where I am now along this sometimes-crooked, sometimes-hidden path of mine.

So. It’s tough to admit, but here goes. I’m up about 50 pounds from my very lowest weight. There. Now you know. However, I’m looking at it as I have managed to keep off more than 80 pounds, and that’s pretty OK, right?

Food addiction
My constant battle. I don’t think it will ever really go away. Still, I do less full-on bingeing than I used to, I’d say. Part of the reason is that I’m now living in sin with my fiancé and it’s easier to just eat crappy foods as part of the normal routine. This is NOT good. His schedule is completely opposite of mine right now. He’s working a lot of nights and sleeping during the day, so I’m feeling a little lonely and sorry for myself in the evenings. That can lead to emotional eating. He knows this, though, and is more than supportive. Two examples. Last week, I woke up with an upset stomach and stayed home from work. He brought me some ginger ale and crackers. Two days later, he told me he threw out the crackers, because he knew I couldn’t have them in the house. I was sad and happy. Sad, because I really wanted to EAT ALL THE CRACKERS. And happy that he knew to throw them out. Oh, and he also threw them into the outside garbage can. He really knows me.

Example No. 2. I really had a weird reaction to getting engaged, as I mentioned. I went through a strange little sad period. During said sad times, he came home and noticed some things I bought at the store. “What’s going on? Cheez-Its? Ice cream? Why are all your trigger foods in the house?” Yes, he called them trigger foods. Yes, he knew those particular foods are among my very biggest offenders. After I cursed myself for telling him too much, I was grateful that he knew me well enough to gently ask about how I was feeling—just based on those foods.

I recently joined my local YMCA. I love it, and love some of the challenging classes I’ve been taking. It’s motivated me in some new ways. I also gained a German Shepherd through my relationship and I enjoy taking her for walks. Though we both could use more of these walks. She’s a lot, as I like to say (so am I, some others might say).

We have set a tentative date for Oct. 23. I’ve got nothing so far, except my shoes. Yep, no dress, no venue. But I’ve got fabulous shoes! He and I are paying for this ourselves, so it’s a little scary, budget wise. Venues are ridiculously overpriced. I just want a barn in the middle of a field with a bunch of twinkly lights (seriously, if you asked me my biggest priority for my wedding? Lighting. True story.), but unfortunately that rustic theme is super trendy right now. And trendy = holy crap, we can’t afford that! So, we’re looking at some alternatives and may end up in a high school gym. Just kidding. Sort of.

Now the important thing.

Where do I want to be?
Right now, my wedding is kind of my focus when it comes to my weight. I don’t mean hitting a certain number. I mean feeling healthy. I mean feeling beautiful. And mostly, I mean, not ONE SINGLE TIME muttering the phrase, “I’m such a fat cow,” on my wedding day. Will I be at my goal weight by then? Probably not. But I want to feel like I’m in control. And that is something I know I can do. Because I’ve done it. Well, not gotten married, of course, but I have been in control.

Also, it’s one of the reasons I was so compelled to restart regular blogging. I’m terrified of losing my mind, freaking out and EATING ALL THE CRACKERS (or whatever) because of my wedding. I can’t let that happen. And I know I’m never more in control than when I’m really talking about things with friends, family and my reader-friends.

As for this blog, I’m planning to make some tweaks here and there as far as layout and things. I also bought a domain, and as soon as I become an expert web designer, I’ll move us over there. I hope you’ll be patient with me.

So there we are. Here I am. I’d love some updates from you guys. What are your goals? Your fears? Your motivations? Fill me in.

Thank you so much for supporting me. Even if I am going to repeat myself.

Even if I’m going to repeat myself.


Anonymous said...

So very excited you are back. I am hanging on by a thread with my weight up 10 lbs and scared I am going to be up 20 by the new year.
Don't stress about the wedding. Remember by the end of the wedding day, if you are married it was a success. If I had to do it over again, I would elope and spend the money on a European honeymoon. Just sayin' .

Can't wait to read your next post.

Jennifer J.

Anonymous said...

Do your best. Allow room for mistakes because you are human. Try to focus on the fact that even if everything else fell apart, you are marrying the love of your life.
Looking forward to more entries. These are helping me as well. You are not alone sister. :)

Danielle said...

I went through the whole "I'm just repeating myself" phase, too. Then I realized that I'm writing for me and if that's what I need - then that's what I'll do. So, repeat yourself all you want!

I'm also up in weight. Love the thought of what you maintained in a loss - the thought of maintaining a 90lb loss is a lot easier (and healthier) than thinking about the 35lb gain.

Kudos to your fiance! I would have eaten all the crackers, too.

Finding exercise I like has been key for me - because honestly, I don't like much of it. LOL

Regarding your venue - I had some friends get married at a barn in Peachtree City - it was stunning!!!


Alison said...

Oh, Erika, please, please, please, don't let the wedding be too much pressure. The wedding is only one day, and you and Ray are planning for a whole lifetime of love together. I do like your focus on wanting to feel in control, because that is something you can use to build your healthy habits. Good luck! And I'm glad you're blogging again.

Anonymous said...

October 23rd is the day I met my husband, 33 years ago. I consider it a very lucky date. Mazel tov.
~Laura S.

Anonymous said...

Seeing your words makes me happy. Even if you repeat yourself.

Listen to your friends. They're smart. No pressure allowed, and that includes from the cute blonde staring back in the mirror.

I heart you.

Anonymous said...

I've missed you. Please please please keep blogging. Love you

Girl on the phone


Jewel Maven said...

Erika, I only just found you today. I Googled a photo of a Weight Watchers box of Smart Ones Mini Cheeseburgers and when I clicked on it, it brought me to your blog. I wanted to read more from you (after seeing your awesome before/after icon photo). I read a bit more, but then wanted to jump to current time. I was a little bit sad to see you stopped at July of 2014 and then happy to see you picked it back up last month. I know you're feeling the pressure of planning a wedding (been there/did that), but please keep posting! It will be a good outlet for venting your frustration. You and I seem to be on the same stinkin' crooked path. I've actually attempted a weight loss blog more than once, but ended up taking it down because I thought it was too depressing (yo-yo-yo-yo). I was reinspired by your words and since misery loves company, I gravitated directly to you. I'm not say either you or I are miserable, but we both know the joy/guilt/freedom/happy/frustrated/excited/addicted/depressed world of trying to lose weight when all I wanna do is EAT EAT EAT!! I am a "Closet Dieter". I think that must be a valid sickness. I don't ever want people to know I'm dieting. (Mostly because I don't want to be held accountable.) I just joined Weight Watchers for the first time. I desperately feel I need a comrade to chat with to help me through. Being that I'm a Closet Dieter, I'm not ready to confide in any of my friends yet. I need a real person who has been where I am and has had better success than me. I know this is part of what has held me back for so long, but I'm ready to take this (baby) step. I just want someone who I feel won't judge me and who sincerely knows how hard it is to eat healthy. If you think you can work it in, I know I'd really appreciate your continued blogginess.

Erika said...

Thank you so much for finding me and taking the time to comment, Jewel Maven! I'm really trying to make blogging a part of my experience again. I so appreciate your words. Feel free to reach out any time for support. We could probably help each other! :)