A happy Monday

I had a good weekend. A really good weekend.

Those of you who follow me on Facebook (I'm now calling you Team Erika--I hope you don't mind), know all the gory details. But for those of you who don't (and if you want to, there's a link over there on the right to "like" my blog page), I spent my weekend in the lions' den of temptation--the Ronald McDonald House.

I was super worried about the weekend. I've been having such a hard time lately and have felt so out of control. I knew that three days at the Ronald could be one more step toward my total undoing.

I didn't want to let that happen. I couldn't let that happen. And guess what? I didn't. I made good choices. I avoided the ridiculous plethora of sweets. And for the first time in forever, I actually felt victorious. And boy did I need that. I needed to remember what it felt like to stay in control. It feels good, in case you're wondering. REALLY good.

For posterity, I made a little video. I might try to do more of these (I was a little scared of this at first), and obviously I need some coaching, so I'm not just a tiny box in the middle of the screen. At any rate, for your viewing pleasure--or whatever--I present a weekend at The Ronald.

A plan

Thanks to all of you for your support and input last week. I realize I came across as a little negative. I apologize for that. But I'm grateful to you guys for letting me be who I am.

With that said, I've given a lot of thought to where I am right now. I thought about creating a new goal. I also thought about quitting for good--ignoring this blog and stopping all together.

But I talked myself off that ledge.

So here's what I decided. For the rest of the year, I'm going to give myself a break. No unrealistic goals. No beating myself up. Until January, I'm going to keep working my plan the best I can, exercise when I can. I'm not going to stop.

But I did talk to Dee, my Weight Watchers leader. Until January, I'm going to go to my WW meetings, but I'm not going to weigh in. This isn't an opportunity for me to go crazy. It's just a chance for me to take some pressure off and take care of myself emotionally. That's where I most need it.

I'll still blog when I can. I'll still check in with you guys. I just need to get my head on straight. I've tried tough love with myself. I've tried just saying "screw it" to all of it. Neither worked. So I'm trying this compromise.

I hope you'll still support me. I hope you understand.

And more than anything, I hope I step on that scale in 2013 ready to start a new chapter.

Beating a dead horse

My fat jeans are tight. Monday, I squeezed into a tiny corner in the Zumba studio where I couldn't see the mirror, because I couldn't bear to look at myself. For three days during Thanksgiving, all I did was eat.

I'm in a downward spiral. And it's spinning faster.

My heart isn't in this. My body isn't in this. I'm feeling lethargic, bored, depressed, defeated. And I don't know what to do about it.

The best thing about this whole journey was at the beginning when I really felt the chains of my food addiction begin to loosen. I wasn't losing weight by willpower. I was beating down the walls of shame, anger and self-loathing that I had built for so many years.

But now I feel like I'm doing everything I can to try to rebuild them. I stack a brick, remove it, stack it again, remove it. It's exhausting.

I'm trying to soldier forward. I don't even feel like blogging anymore. It's ridiculous for me to keep coming here and telling you guys how much I'm struggling every single time I write. That's not why you started reading in the first place--and no one likes a broken record.

But so I am. Maybe I need a new goal. Maybe I need a fresh perspective. I just don't know how--or where--to get it.

Thanks for sticking by me. Especially when, quite frankly, I'm just ready to give up on myself.

Thirty-@*#%^

Yesterday, someone called me 38. It hurt my feelings. But it only hurt because it was true.

Yesterday was my birthday. And yes, I'm 38. I still didn't need anyone to point it out, thankyouverymuch.

I'm not always a big fan of my birthday. I always miss my mom. I hate getting older. And somehow, I always end up feeling sorry for myself. That's kind of lame, no? Because as they'd say, it's better than the alternative.

I think that part of my birthday hate in recent years comes back to the regret I often talk about. I'm a year older. Why did I stop time for so long by wallowing in my grief and self-loathing?

But this year, I think I need to stop that. I think I need to look at how different my life is as opposed to, say, 10 years ago.

Ten years ago, I was still trapped and hopeless. I never, ever thought I'd be where I am today. Maybe I celebrated my birthday with friends or my family. But I'm sure I went home and got in my own little food cocoon--and there was a long time before the butterfly even thought to emerge.

I guess birthdays are a time to get contemplative. I think I'm just tired of my contemplative thoughts being negative. So, in the spirit of Thanksgiving, I will say I'm thankful for another birthday. I am thankful for the people in my life.

And even though I sometimes like to dwell in regret, I won't do it this year. Because this year, I'm thankful that I'm me.

Sort of.

A day late and a pound gained

Well, not really. I was up .8 this week. That's not too bad. I'm kind of happy lately if I stay within a pound up or down. I spent last weekend at a lake house with some friends and there was a lot of grazing happening. To me, .8 is a victory.

Also? I'm warning you now that I may not weigh in next Tuesday. It's the day after my birthday. I will have cake. Maybe. But I'll probably weigh in anyway. Just a warning that it might not be pretty.

In Weight Watchers this week, we talked about what brought us to Weight Watchers. It's been a while since I started, but I think that remembering why I joined in the first place is important. I'm going to focus on that for the next few entries, but here's one for today.

Last night my friend LaTonia and I went to see Totem, the new Cirque du Soleil show. I've never seen a Cirque du Soleil show and I absolutely loved it. But boy, do they pack you in that tent. There are little chairs with no arm rests, which essentially leaves you bonding in a special way with the strangers sitting next to you. I cuddled up to LT, because I love her, and luckily after the show started we were all able to spread out into the empty seats.

I couldn't help but think that a few short years ago I wouldn't have been able to fit into that tiny chair. I would have felt terrible for my neighbors to have to share a seat with my extra spillage. Though I'm not at all where I want to be, and it seems lately I struggle more than not, I have those moments where I can see how far I've come.

And sitting in those tiny uncomfortable seats and not being mortified by my fat rolls invading my fellow Cirque-watchers' popcorn was one of those times.

Bonus recipe for today. Sunday night I made a fantastic pork tenderloin. It was super easy and super yummy. Knife not needed.

Here's the recipe:

Burgundy Pork Tenderloin

Ingredients:

 2 pounds pork tenderloin

1/2 teaspoon salt

1/2 teaspoon ground black pepper

1/2 teaspoon garlic powder

1/2 onion, thinly sliced

1 stalk celery, chopped

2 cups red wine

1 (.75 ounce) packet dry brown gravy

mix

Instructions:  

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).
2. Place pork in a 9x13 inch baking dish, and sprinkle meat with salt, pepper and garlic powder. Top with onion and celery, and pour wine over all.
3. Bake in the preheated oven for 45 minutes.
4. When done baking, remove meat from baking dish, and place on a serving platter. Pour gravy mix into baking dish with wine and cooking juices, and stir until thickened. Slice meat, and cover with the gravy.

Photo Phriday--Strong Legs edition

Happy Friday, everyone!

Last Saturday, I did the annual Strong Legs 5K benefiting Children's Healthcare of Atlanta. It was a gorgeous day and so much warmer than the previous two years. I walked most of the 3.1 miles through downtown Atlanta, with a few little runs here and there. I didn't finish in a time really worth sharing, but I was proud of myself for getting up and going anyway.

Here are a few pictures from the event.

With my friend and co-worker Jan before the race started.

My friend Elesha pushed me a little, even when I didn't want to sprint or run. Thanks, Elesha (she said begrudgingly)!

With fellow Foundation friends at the finish line.

With Estonia after the race.

With Kelly and Emily after the race.

Some things stay the same

Today, I weighed in and was the same as my last weigh-in. Though I wish I could have seen a loss, I'll always take maintaining over the alternative of gaining.

Honestly, I've been kind of noncommittal about my food lately. The other day I was reading through some old blog entries. I was struck by my enthusiasm, my determination, my drive. Where did that go? Am I just tired? Over it? Why can't I seem to put my heart into it and keep it there?

It's frustrating for me. And I suspect it is for you, too. One week I'm yelling in victory and the next I'm just meh. Alas, I just have to keep going the best I can. I think I might have to realize, though, that this is definitely not my best, and push myself a little harder.

Last weekend I did the Strong Legs Run (which will probably be my Photo Phriday entry). I did OK. I have been fighting a cold for a while, so haven't been as diligent about my exercise. Also? Friday I decided to drink a bottle of wine when I had a friend over for dinner. Oops. That may not have helped. Still, I did it. And that's what counts, right?

I went grocery shopping last night and planned for the week, which I haven't done in a few weeks. I made a chicken creation in my crockpot last night (threw in some chicken breasts, cream of broccoli and cream of mushroom soup and some frozen broccoli), which turned out pretty yummy. I'll probably eat that for a few days. I'm also going to make a meatloaf at some point this week.

Last night I made a salmon filet seasoned with my beloved Salmon Magic. I also made some zucchin, using a recipe I'd almost forgotten. It's yummy and simple, so I thought I'd share:

Sautee a little garlic (I used about a clove. Garlic and I sometimes don't get along, so you might want to use more if you love it) in some olive oil (I just sprayed my pan with my Misto) for a few minutes.
Cut zucchini into rounds and place in pan.
Brown zucchini on both sides.
Sprinkle with Parmesan cheese.

See? Easy-peasy. Forgive my less-than-exact recipe, but I just kind of eyeball all of it. The cheese gets a little gooey and crispy on the zucchini. It's good stuff.

What are you guys making this week?